Matti (14)
"I dyed my hair yesterday. Before it had many colours, from blue to black. I like to do something radical unexpectedly. I like stripes and black-and-white. My style idol is Marilyn Manson because he looks great and makes great music. I buy clothes once a month for about 50 euros."
Zack: Something weird is happening with this guy. A rational part of my brain tells me he looks like a stripy douchebag, but I can't help but feel relieved to see him after that last guy. It's like when you stare at the color red for a long time and then you look away and everything is green.
Dr. Thorpe: I'm really hoping he's an optical illusion.
Zack: I wonder where Boy George buys his miniature Hitler mustaches.
Dr. Thorpe: Whoops, looks like he put one stocking through the wash with his antimatter load and it got all inverted.
Zack: Maybe we'll get lucky and he'll sit Indian-style and annihilate himself.
Dr. Thorpe: Don't you wish you could just shift his entire hair situation down about an inch on his head? His head looks so naked that it's really dismaying me. That forehead-to-temple area is really uncomfortable to look at. I feel like I can see his anus.
Zack: There's a piece of advice that has always served me well. I'd like to share it with you and I think it applies here: never trust someone without eyebrows.
Dr. Thorpe: I probably could, if I offered to pee on him.
Zack: Without his eyebrows that stuff will go right into his eyes.
Dr. Thorpe: That's why cavemen invented eyebrows. To keep bugs and pee out of their eyes during long hunts. I'm sad to see that our species is so far removed from its roots that we can discard something so fundamental as eyebrows.
Zack: This guy doesn't hunt anything except for maybe vinyl bargains at the new wave store. Paying eight euros for a Gary Numan bootleg doesn't exactly have the same thrill as taking down a wooly mammoth with a wooden spear.
Dr. Thorpe: He's so cheesy that I bet part of his aesthetic is listening to fake new wave, like When in Rome. He can't even enjoy stuff unless everyone else thinks it's shitty and he can get into long arguments defending it.
Zack: Well he idolizes Marilyn Manson and that guy hasn't been good since he left Wonder Years.
Zack: He claims he likes to do something radical unexpectedly. I wonder if that means tomorrow he'll be graduating with a degree in business. Maybe managing his stocks on the Internet and then giving a speech at Kiwanis.
Dr. Thorpe: Somehow I'm thinking it's more along the lines of shaving his eyebrows and wearing one wrong stocking, but maybe it extends as deep as creating art installations out of found objects.
Zack: "I found this whole box of naked dolls in a dumpster. Aren't they creepy?"
Dr. Thorpe: Noticeably absent among found objects: purpose; dignity.
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
