Zack: I think if your costume includes a hat with the character's name written on it then you're dressed as someone or something that has outlived its cultural relevance.
Dr. Thorpe: It's gotten to the point where I can't even tell what's supposed to be ironic anymore.
Zack: Yeah, I think the irony has gone recursive too many times and it's just disappeared into this vast soup of misguided pop culture references.
Dr. Thorpe: Do people seriously say "you know what would be a fucking boss Halloween costume? Magnum PI. I wonder if they make that in a kit so I don't have to expend the fucking minimal effort to do it myself." This thing is basically just three things you can buy at the costume shop anyway, plus a hat explaining what they mean when they're put together.
Zack: "I don't want to have to remember what Magnum PI even wore, I just want them to do everything for me."
Dr. Thorpe: The great thing about this costume is that if you buy the optional round sunglasses accessory you can also be Bernie from Weekend At Bernie's.
Zack: Oh yeah, I remember the part in that movie when he wore a Magnum, PI hat.
Dr. Thorpe: It's like a Russian nesting doll of pop culture references. We're approaching dangerous Michael Ian Black levels of recursion. My love of the 70s and 80s is hitting critical mass.
Zack: Be careful, try not to be too flamboyant or you'll bubble over into Andy Dick territory.
Dr. Thorpe: Argh, I can feel Satan flipping and twitching across my soul like a Wacky Wall Walker.
Zack: Man that show is great. "Ha ha, remember when this product was released and marketed to us as children? What about this one? How about this one? Ha ha!"
Zack: "Ohhh haha this D-list celebrity remembers it too! We were alive at the same point in time!"
Dr. Thorpe: I can only hope to one day be a panelist on I Love the 00s. "Hell yeah, it's a Napoleon Dynamite mask! I remember that mov-URFH" and then a giant greasy dick is shoved in my mouth because by that point VH1 is going to be like 99% hardcore gay sex.
Dr. Thorpe: I mean, they already show James Blunt videos, it's a modest leap.
Zack: Tough talk from a Morrissey fan.
Dr. Thorpe: If liking Morrissey is gay, then just go ahead and call me gay, because I guess I'm pretty much gay.
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
