Zack:It's time, once again, for us to look past the crumpled Spiderman masks on the rack and dig for the shoddiest and lamest costumes available for sale. Some of these stinkers are amusing, but others will chill you to your very core! It's time for Halloween SWAT!
Dr. Thorpe:The Halloween costume industry is one of the most baffling displays of misguided humor and vain attempts at cleverness that you're ever likely to witness. Exactly why somebody would think it was "clever" to wear a mass-produced turd costume is completely beyond me, but they exist nonetheless. Join us as we discuss popular culture and declare holy war on America!
Zack: This Halloween's hottest costume! All of the kids are clamoring to be their favorite super hero, Slice of Pizza!
Dr. Thorpe: "Did somebody order an extra-large dingus?"
Zack: "Extra-large pepperoni, olives and double jackass."
Dr. Thorpe: "You'll want me to leave in 30 minutes or less... or I'm free!"
Zack: If you look past the pizza photograph printed onto the costume, it looks sort of like the uniform a guard would be wearing in a really low budget scifi movie. Maybe neon orange with a spear that shoots lasers. If you go with that and keep the pizza theme, that opens a whole other line of speculation about a dark tomorrow where if you hit the Hut, the Hut hits back, with jackbooted thugs.
Dr. Thorpe: This guy doesn't look so much like a thug as he looks like maybe a guy who owns a failing costume company and he doesn't bother hiring models to wear his dumb-shit costumes that nobody in their right mind would even consider wearing, so he just has his secretary/wife take a stupid photo of him looking like he's half embarrassed and half worried about his mortgage.
Zack: It's just such a lazy and unimaginative costume. "Yeah, we'll just print a picture of pizza onto this cardboard." If this catches on Halloween will consist of a bunch of people "dressed" as sports cars and hamburgers and vaginas.
Dr. Thorpe: Doesn't this dick look like one of those business-school fratboy "retire-when-I'm-30" types who takes out a huge loan to start his idiotic business and uses half of it to buy a Mercedes and then lives way beyond his means, racking up debt for two or three years until he starts talking about filing bankruptcy like it was some genius idea that he'd had all along and it's gonna save him a ton of money in the long run? He's got "small-claims court" written all over him.
Zack: That species of mogul was endangered by the dot com collapse, but thank god for the outrageous housing market. Now we can all read their blogs about how they bought ten houses over a superfund site on their credit card and then they couldn't find any Mexicans willing to risk being melted to flip the houses in time.
Dr. Thorpe: And of course he's gonna blame everybody else when his business fails, because in his heart of hearts he knows that his pizza costume idea was the fucking greatest thing ever, but it was all flushed down the toilet when Travis got to work five minutes late that time.
Zack: We live in an age of zero personal responsibility. Heck, if I saw this guy at a party I would kill him and eat him and then sue the pizza costume manufacturer for making it impossible to tell the difference between this dude and a slice of pizza. I could retire at 30 on the lawsuit money.
Dr. Thorpe: "Hi, my name is John. Please donate money to me; through a series of what I still consider to be really good decisions, I bought a dozen ramshackle, unsellable slum houses, and now I'm in debt up to my ass and the only job I can find is standing outside Sbarro's in a pizza costume and wagging the point around like a little dick to entice people to come eat shitty mall food."
Dr. Thorpe: Oh, wait, never mind, people like that NEVER get jobs.
Zack: No, he'd be sitting in his pizza shirt, smugly writing a ten million dollar book about why immigrants are ruining the housing market. When he's done he'll sell the pizza shirt on eBay and Golden Palace will buy it for fifty grand, which he will then use to pay green's fees at a golf course built on top of an Indian burial ground.
Dr. Thorpe: Fuck this picture, now I'm never going to be able to look at a pizza again without subconsciously wanting to punch it in the face.
Zack: You just have to make yourself so angry that you want to bite him.
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
