Dr. Thorpe:If they hadn't removed the background, you'd see that this man is jumping off a bridge. He could no longer live in a world with so much plaid.Zack:Not pictured: the magical snakes Etro has released onto the runway to "punch up" his fashion show.
Dr. Thorpe:It looks like an old Kung-Fu master from a Hong Kong movie had to take a trip to the city, so he bought a dead golfer's favorite leisure suit from St. Vincent De Paul's.
Zack:I'm honestly not sure if this is a man or a woman. I THINK it's a man, but for some reason his beard seems very feminine.
Dr. Thorpe:I think you're falling right into Etro's fiendish "beards are sexy" trap, Zack.
Zack:I think by looking at Etro's fashion we've fallen into his trap. Personally, I think this guy looks like the villain from the hillbilly version of the Matrix. I'm sure he has some vague mystical hillbilly name like "Raw Head & Bloody Bones" or "Luke's Holler Chinee Ghost".
Dr. Thorpe:Remember Zack, only men have beards. That almost sounds like a sexist comment after looking at these clothes, but seriously, only men can grow beards.
Zack:You obviously haven't been to the right bars in Southern Ohio
Dr. Thorpe:Yeah, I should have said "barring unusual circumstances, such as the Midwest". The absurdity of this image is so straightforward that it almost seems like we should be pointing out what looks normal about it in order to be subversive. For example, that shirt's not too bad, I might wear that shirt.
Zack:I think the beard is cute. I mean, if it were on a girl, of course.
Dr. Thorpe:Yeah, of course.
Zack:Are you ready to have your mind blown?
Dr. Thorpe:Why, did Blue Oyster Cult release a new record?
Zack:Are you prepared?
Dr. Thorpe:Always!
Zack:He isn't jumping. HE'S ON HIS BACK, MAN! He's like a turtle and he can't turn himself over. Welcome to Mr. Etro's wild ride.
Dr. Thorpe:Óh shit, I feel tricked. I thought he was being crucified. If nothing else that would have at least been a little blasphemous.
Zack:That's sort of an achievement. Like finding a potato chip that looks like an airplane or being the only person to be killed by a raccoon.
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
