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Zack: Man, this artist is a machine!Dr. Thorpe: Jeez, I thought only mutant turtles could ejaculate like that! He must be taking some kind of supplements.
Zack: I don't think that would cover it. Maybe he's injecting saline into his hair monster testicles.
Dr. Thorpe: Or maybe you just have to find the right gothic toddler to arouse that kind of sexual energy.
Zack: Why would someone even pick to draw fan art for the Beetlejuice cartoon? I've only seen it on TV like once.
Dr. Thorpe: This is the same guy who made the last two, maybe it's time to start considering the possibility that he has some kind of a problem.
Zack: Oh, I think we're way past the "start considering" phase. I think we're into the "offering a clinical diagnosis" phase. I wonder if he has drawn fan art for that MC Hammer cartoon about the magical shoes. I really want to see a picture of MC Hammer ejaculating a huge fountain into the anthropomorphic mouth of a shoe.
Dr. Thorpe: I want to see that one Planeteer having sex with his pet monkey while Captain Planet watches and masturbates.
Zack: Odds aren't bad that your request has already been filled, as Snoop Dogg would say: "Some how, some way."
Dr. Thorpe: You know, I just don't think this picture has the pizzazz of this artist's other work. I think he was pretty much phoning it in when he drew this one. Maybe the Beetlejuice cartoon just wasn't fertile enough to furnish any really interesting pornographic concepts, so he just had to go with his old standby, the "unexpectedly large monster ejaculation."
Zack: I agree. Not only is it clichéd but he also chose one of the characters in Beetlejuice that he could render with almost no attention to detail. It's just a big featureless mass of hair in a cowboy hat that he could stick a boner on.
Dr. Thorpe: If there's one thing we know about this guy, it's that he doesn't slack on monster details. Maybe his grandma died but his editor was busting his balls to come up with some new material right away, so he just whipped something up.
Zack: Oh man, the concept of this guy having pressure from an editor to produce this stuff is totally blowing my mind. Maybe there is an entire sweatshop industry producing all this horrible fan art. Thousands of Indonesian children slaving away in MS Paint with shaky hands trying to render the labia of Maggie Simpson just right.
Dr. Thorpe: I picture it more like a really intense newspaper type environment, with the editor stomping around yelling "I want that He-Man-fucking-Orko piece on my desk RIGHT NOW goddammit!"
Zack: You've got ten minutes before we go to press at alt.binaries.pictures.orko.suck!
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
