Dr. Thorpe: Whoa, it's Ken from Street Fighter 2! And he's PISSED!Zack: Hulk Hogan wants you to literally feel his 24 inch pythons. I think he's trying to help that snake. Look at all that blood, he's just applying pressure so it doesn't die of blood loss. And he's really really mad about it.
Dr. Thorpe: Picking up a snake like that and strangling it is pretty much the least efficient way to kill it. He should know that.
Zack: He likes to do things the hard way. Obviously, he made his karate vest out of a bath mat.
Dr. Thorpe: And he cut his bangs that way to ensure that his courtships with women would be extremely difficult and mostly fruitless. I'm starting to think that people over there just have gigantic hands, because all the giant hands in these posters can't just be a coincidence.
Zack: He doesn't really want women to fall for him. He wants them to turn down his pickup lines with a snide comment and derisive laughter from their friends so he has an excuse to crush their larynx.
Dr. Thorpe: This guy's a mess. I like the detail in the painting though. Do you see how much darker his forearm is than his shoulder? It really lets you know how much that snake is cutting off his circulation. This is an intense battle.
Zack: Yeah, this is probably a more realistic image than some of the posters we have seen that use photographs. Although that's not hard when you're using a camera made by magic to take pictures of a surreal hellscape.
Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, this whole thing has been one long Dali-esque nightmare.
Zack: We only have a few left, but I have a sinking feel that things are going to get worse. By the end of this we're going to be seeing melting clocks and man-eyed horses while we wax the giant caterpillars on our upper lips.
Dr. Thorpe: Now, Dali: that guy had a mustache.
Zack: Yeah, he could take these people out with his stache-kata in a hearbeat. That thing would just fling from his face like a bullwhip and pluck out a man's eye.
Dr. Thorpe: I think he can move it at will like a tentacle. He could strangle someone with it.
Zack: Could he strangle a snake with it though? Or could he out-wrestle that woman's fleshy twin appendage?
Dr. Thorpe: He could strangle a snake with it, but he probably couldn't do it the hard way.
Zack: We have to remember that Dali is dead now. We are the only bulwark for the surreal host of these posters, we are the only thing standing between the complacent underbelly of the western world and the hungry eyes of Santosh.
Dr. Thorpe: Well, I don't know, America could probably stand to cut down its obesity rates a little bit, and Santosh might help.
Zack: Santosh and the Dangaerobics guy will help melt the pounds away.
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About This Column
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.
