A Newbie's Guide to Everquest

Character Creation:

• A name is the most important aspect of your character. Make sure to choose a title that effectively "roleplays" your character's personality. For example, here's how to make a name for a Druid character: this class is very close to nature, and likes trees and the woods and various biodegradable things. Create a name that combines a stupid nature reference in category A with a goofy pseudo-verb in category B.

Optimal name combinations include "Moonskymmer", "Mistwalker", "Sunsweeper", and "Wolfwalker".

• If you're one of the many 12-year olds who enjoy playing as a Necromancer, be sure to name yourself after your favorite Pokémon.
• When choosing a name, try to use the letters "a", "e", and "h" as much as possible. Feel free to take your name and "roleplayify" it. For example, "Jason" turns into "Jahsaen", "Steve" can become "Staevah", and "Rob" is easily "Raehbeaahhea'aeah".
• Warriors should all be named after a particularly violent action or verb. "Smasher", "Breaker", "Crusher", and "Basher" are all valid names. If you're playing as an Ogre Warrior, misspell the word as well (ie, "Smashur", "Breakur", "Crushar", "Bashur").
• Since casting classes already start with a bonus in the INT and WIS categories, dump all your points into STR or STA. By doing this, you will create a caster who can not only throw around killer spells, but also whoop ass with weapons, the best of both worlds!
• Remember: if you're a male, you can only play as a male character! If Verant or Sony finds out you're a male playing as a female, they will take away your account. This is so people can form deep and meaningful relationships while grouping, and eventually marry them on the server (and the notice can be sent to EQVault or Everlore). Since this rule is in place, you can be 100 percent sure that every woman on the server is actually a woman who you should befriend, in the hopes of getting her phone number and having cybersex with her over your favorite AOL chat channel.

Socials:

• The "shout" channel is solely used to announce when you've gone up a level*. You should do this by typing "/shout DING! Level x!!!" where "x" is the level you just reached. People who don't know you are very concerned with what level you are, and you should always inform them of what level you just reached.
  
  *Advanced newbies only: you can use the /shout channel to inform people when you've lost a level as well. Be sure to complain about "LAG" when doing so and make a sarcastic comment along the lines of "Gee, thanks Verant for making such a WONDERFUL game!".
  You should shout this as soon as you start your character and enter the game. This is the true sign of Everquest Mastery.
• Lag in Everquest hardly ever occurs. If you do experience lag, you should "/shout LAGGGGGG!", which will inform and warn all other characters. If the lag continues, you should "/shout This is ridiculous! I can't play with all this lag!" but you should continue to keep playing at all costs (very important). Proceed to periodically warn everybody of the lag every two minutes, and refuse to log out for the next six hours.
• The /ooc (out of character) channel is used to ask what the function or purpose of every single item in the game is. Don't know what to do with those fire beetle eyes? Ask everybody on /ooc! Don't know what the stats are on that rusty scimitar? Chances are that somebody on /ooc will!
• If you just logged in and are part of a super-k3wl guild, you should announce your presence over the /shout channel. Make sure your guild has a hilarious and witty greeting! For example, if your guild's name is the "Clan of the White Wolf", announce yourself by shouting "Hail Clan of the White Wolf! HOOOOOWWWWWWLLLL!" at which point all other guild members should respond with "HOOOOWWWWLLLLLL!" This will set your guild apart from the other, more inferior guilds, by demonstrating how organized and important your guild obviously is.
• To make it easier for you, type in all acronyms. For example, if you need help in the Field of Bone, type "/shout NH FOB". If you're looking for an NPC merchant who you aren't Kill-on-sight to, type "/shout LF NPC M NotKOS". If you're looking for directions to the docks so you can go to Freeport in order to buy a Dragoon Dirk from a High Elf Cleric, type "/shout LF DirTO D4FP, NTB DD FromHEC".
• Grouping is an important aspect of playing Everquest. If you'd like to group with somebody, find a person who's at least 20 levels higher to you (that way it'll be easier to gain experience in the group). Walk up to him, don't say anything, click on him and hit the "Invite" button to invite him to your group. If he doesn't respond or declines your offer, keep inviting him (he's just playing hard to get). Follow him around, repeatedly inviting him. If he doesn't accept your offer within the next 50 minutes, challenge him to a duel for being such an incredible jerk.
• If you've got a magical weapon that you're trying to sell, start the bidding at a high price and work your way down. Did your friend get you a rare Tentacle Whip? Try selling it for 100 plat and just wait for the bids to come flowing in! If nobody has the money to spend, try lowering your price to something more reasonable, such as 70 plat and a set of Ivy Armor.
• If you see a female character who needs help in combat, be sure to help her out at once! After you've saved her life, give her as many buffs and magical items as you can. If you do, she'll be incredibly attracted to you and will undoubtedly want to have sex with you in real life. As mentioned before, all people playing as female characters are really women in real life. If you see a guy who needs help, let him die, because he's probably just some gay weirdo who will stalk you or something afterwards.
• Always remember: Everquest is a SOCIAL game! /Shout every single thought that comes to your mind, no matter how inane! Announce how much wieght you're carrying! Tell the world what level you are in swimming! Say "hi" to friends and guild members! Ask what time it is! Don't hold back!