Butthawk Down

I have been writing so much lately that I think I might be starting to go crazy. The letters are actually rubbed off of almost a dozen different letters on my keyboard. Today's update was something I have been considering doing for a while. My updates are often very dark or black-humored so I wanted to try a fanciful childlike adventure of imagination with a surreal dreamy style. As usual I couldn't quite keep the darkness out. I asked resident artist Shmorky to draw "a couple" pictures and he comes back with six awesome illustrations because he be to rap what key be to lock. All hail Shmorky!

Everyone who is anyone has their dream of an ultimate prank. In his bed at night Abraham Lincoln considered the hilarity of forcing white southerners to be slaves to black southerners. Fidel Castro almost constantly considers faking his own death. Once in a while these dreamers even pull off their pranks. Remember the Lindbergh Baby? Charles Lindbergh laughed his way all the way to the bank after that fake baby snatching prank. People are still yucking it up over his genius today.

Not even Lindbergh could have hoped to achieve the hilarious prank that the republicans pulled off in the House of Representatives recently. Hear this one out, it truly is genius. The republicans were doing their usual thing - chilling and talking about getting rid of abortion - when they decided to propose some legislation that would make it illegal for a non-guardian adult to transport a minor across state lines for the purposes of getting an abortion. No big deal there, right? That sort of legislation crops up almost daily.

The republicans sent this bill to the democrats, who couldn't stop it but attempted to cram it full of amendments. A few democratic representatives proposed some fine-tuning amendments. They were just boring things like "the law doesn't apply to a taxi driver" or "the law doesn't apply to aunts and uncles". The republicans subsequently voted all these dull amendments down, because their bill was about action and they didn't want to complicate the plot with a bunch of exclusions. But that wasn't the joke. The joke came later, after the vote, with the bill headed for approval. House republicans went back to the voting record and changed the descriptions of all of the amendments the democrats had proposed. They didn't just change them though: they changed them to amendments that openly supported child rapists by including the words "sexual predators".

Original: Cong. Scott (VA) will offer an amendment (#4), debatable for 20 minutes. The amendment immunizes taxicab drivers, bus drivers, others in the business of professional transport, doctors, nurses, and/or other medical providers or their staff from the transportation provision of the bill. Contact: 5-8351

Republican Rewrite: Mr. Scott offered an amendment that would have exempted sexual predators from prosecution if they are taxicab drivers, bus drivers, or others in the business of professional transport. By a rollcall vote of 13 yeas to 17 nays, the amendment was defeated.

Oh ho ho, I hope none of you dopes are hoping to run for a higher office or reelection anytime soon! Naturally the democrats laughed and laughed about the idea of their prospective foes running reelection ads about them supporting child rape. The republican rewrites entered the official (and indelible) record of the legislation. The most hilarious aspect of the whole joke was that the democrats can't even do anything about it. Hell, not even liberal bitch outlets like Air America are whining about it.

Since I got a little political newsy in today's Daily Dirt I'm not going to spend a lot of time writing about movies or games, but I thought I would really quickly hit on a couple of things.

First off Joss Whedon's Serenity by Joss Whedon is hitting theaters in late September and the trailer has just showed up on the Internet much to the glee of many nerdy fans. The movie is based on Joss Whedon's Firefly, a Joss Whedon Joint which was an extremely short-lived science fiction TV show on Fox. I really enjoyed the show and the movie looks pretty neat but the nerds are positively furious that the trailer depicts sounds in space! J'accuse, Mister Whedon! Down the road I'll probably have some sort of horrible contest in Daily Dirt where I buy a couple people copies of The Joss Whedon Story of "Firefly" on DVD. For now, check out the trailer.

There has been a huge Hullabaloo over the upcoming Ridley Scott historical epic Kingdom of Heaven. Apparently, some people think that the movie is too conservative and anti-Middle East and other people think that the movie is too liberal and pro-Al Qaeda. What everyone can agree on is that the film will have sumptuous production values and a bowel-stirring story of heroism and violence. Perhaps this will make us all overlook the fact that Ridley Scott won an Oscar for fucking Gladiator.

The new Batman movie Batman Begins is looking pretty good, but will it be good enough to allow us to forget the previous two movies in the series? Survey says…FUCK NO.

The first episode marking the return of cult-hit Family Guy has been making the rounds on the Internet and it serves as a great reminder of why the show was originally cancelled. If you're a fan of the series you can look forward to the same formulaic gags and hilarious catchphrases in nauseating quantities. Do yourself a favor though and watch the one and only episode of the hideous Seth McFarlane abortion American Dad just to remind yourself of how relatively good Family Guy is.

I love War of the Worlds and I'm looking forward to Spielberg's blockbuster adaptation of the Jeff Wayne musical hitting theatres this summer. Scientology Superstar Tom Cruise may have ruined roughly half of my masturbation fantasies by dating Katie Holmes but I think he's a decent choice for the lead. And the children look positively precious in the trailers! I'm sure there will be many scenes in which they gawp in wonder at alien marvels born of Spielberg's verdant imagination. Why not the end of the 19th century? Why the 21st? A Spielberg quote has been loafing around the barrel-scraping entertainment media in which he explains that he simply doesn't like the costumes of the time period. Way to go Steve. Maybe you can direct a sequel to Schindler's List in which the Nazis are wearing silver jumpsuits and rocket man helmets because the uniforms are just sooo played out.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)