I am a soulless writing machine

Mr. Belvedere: The lost episode (no not the one where Wesley almost gets molested at summer camp)RESTORE THIS

Today's update was inspired by an English class I'm currently in which focuses on 18th century English Lit. I was going to do this article a while back, but then we actually read a parody of 18th century English Lit that was written in the 18th century, and it did pretty much everything I wanted to do, which deflated my plans temporarily. I thought about where to go with it, and I figured it would be pretty funny for there to be a time traveler as part of the story, but not having the story be concerned with telling you much about the actual time travel aspect. It's like a bad movie is trying to fight its way into a bad novel! Concepts!

If you've never read an 18th Century English novel, their structure is pretty much identical to my parody, but I had to reel it in a little because white space was a foreign concept for those writers and their paragraphs were mercilessly long. If anyone cares to check out the original sources, the style I used is mainly based on books like Pamela, Moll Flanders, and Mansfield Park; you can get all these for free online because those suckers died before hardcore copyright law existed! I'm debating on whether or not I should show this to my professor, because he'll either think it's funny and creative, or a mockery of everything he stands for. Your call, internet.

Oh and forum goon DocEvil did me a favor and made the awesome pics for this update. Thanks!

KINGDOM HEARTS 2: THE SHIT OF GARBAGE

Yes I have been playing Kingdom Hearts 2 even though I am a full grown man capable of growing facial hair. When I ordered it through GameFly I thought, "This will probably be better than the last one, which kind of sucked and made a bunch of goons get Heartless tattoos!" I was wrong, and will gladly accept the fate of re-virginity that will be bestowed upon me when people find out that I played this terrible game.

Here is a brief examination of Kingdom Hearts 2 to save you money:

Intro: Here are a bunch of shitty characters that, if you can believe it, are lamer than Sora. You will be forced to sit through the existential discussions of 12 year-olds that are wearing clothes straight out of the vomit of Japanese pop culture. Oh, you also get to play a bunch of poorly implemented minigames in order to save up for a beach trip THAT YOU DON'T EVEN GET TO GO TO. Have fun with the most unengaging intro to any game ever, which lasts 3 hours and slowly hints at things that are made completely obvious by the opening FMV.
Gameplay: The gameplay of Kingdom Hearts 2 can basically be broken down into a series of events, which I will explain below, in order.
A bunch of guys from The Matrix have discussions that are supposed to be deep because they use words made up by the game
You then fly to a Disney world by playing a shitty flying minigame that is not as shitty as it was in the first game but it's still shitty
"Sora! Donald! Goofy!" "Sora! Donald! Goofy!" "Sora! Donald! Goofy!" "Sora! Donald! Goofy!" "Sora! Donald! Goofy!" (you will hear this exclamation about 5000 times)
You end up in a world from the first game, which kind of sucks because KH2 doesn't even have that many new worlds (yeah and if you really want to go to Halloween Town again why don't you just go work at Hot Topic)
OR you end up in a world that is new to the game but still sucks (hey guys Tron remember the 80s) and it's sad because there are so many properties that could have awesome levels
Pete and Maleficent: "BLORP BLORP BLORP"
Sora, Donald, Goofy!: "BLOOP BLEEP we are doing this for no reason BLEEP BLOOP"
Please mash the X button as you travel through large empty rooms
Oh, occasionally hit Triangle for an awesome timed attack although you do not get punished for hitting it at the wrong time ;-)
Finish level, feel nothing, move onto next level

I hope that helps! Sorry about all the spoilers!

Next Time, on THE DIRT

I am really tired and burned out and I have lots of papers to write and my butt is being eroded day-by-day by this computer chair! If you would like to send e-mail to bobservo@somethingawful.com, you may just find yourself incriminated on the next non-mandatory installment of... THE DIRT!

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey