All the Fun Under the Sun

SwimmingRelaxation!

Swimming may be the best way to enjoy the heat. The public pool provides a fun mixture of leisure and socializing, but if you have a private pool you can enjoy the silence and awkwardness of floating alone. Whenever you swim, wear sunscreen so you don't get burnt. I've had to masturbate for a week with fake tanner to get my penis the same shade bronze as the rest of my grotesquely burnt body.

Helpful Tip: instead of wearing the clichéd white T-shirt while swimming, spice up the pool with some attitude!
Pro

• Able to hide the majority of one's body underwater
• Urinating one's pants goes unnoticed
• Many attractive girls

Con

• None of the girls will talk to you
• High concession stand prices means your seven-hot dog-diet-a-day will cost substantially more
• You will be ostracized unless you have frosted tips and tribal tats

Volunteer at a local homeless shelter

Yeah Right.

Sports

Playing a sport is great! It doesn't matter what game you play, as long as it isn't a wuss one. Oh, and the only two not-wuss sports are baseball or football. And since baseball was taken over by the illegal immigrants, many Americans have proclaimed that football is our national sport. Aside from filling patriotic quotas, playing football is a great way to develop teamwork skills, coordination, and extensive dog fighting tactics. If you choose to play football, be careful that the mandatory drug tests don't pick up those steroids you're taking for that sinus infection.

I, however, have never played football. I prefer a nice afternoon of kite flying. The style of kite is very important to the overall experience. Here are the most important factors to consider: Color (how visible is the kite once I get it stuck in a tree?), Size (how far can I wedge the kite into a tree?), and Trick Capability (how fast can I get a kite stuck in a tree?). Once purchased, enjoy the ten minutes of euphoric kite flying before the wind dies down and ends your fun activity.

The Kite I use is not only a symbol of national pride, but was also completely free of cost. All I had to do was capture a bald eagle from a nature preserve and tie a rope around its leg.

Helpful Tip: Feed kite fresh fish daily!
Pro

• Great for people with low mobility
• Feeling of accomplishment from finally being able to get something off the ground

Con

• One day out of twenty will be windy enough to fly a kite, and that wind is from a thunderstorm