The worst workplace stories!

Murphy Brownback

When I worked on the sky ride at Busch Gardens (basically carts that go from one end of the park to the other in the air if you've never been to a place with one) when I was in highschool the ~40 year old guy training me told me the best part of the job was stopping the cart so it tilts back from you so you could see up girls' skirts. I saw him do this every single day to pretty much anyone wearing a skirt, whether they were 5 years old or 60+. Occasionally he'd tilt it the other way if they wear wearing a low-cut shirt. He got fired eventually for unrelated reasons.

Also multiple people puked in the carts and I always had to clean it up. Why do they never do it over the side?

Tiberius Thyben

I have one co worker from Vietnam who is something like 55 years old. I could tell a lot of stories about him, but he likes talking about how many hookers he has sex with to anyone who will listen. Once, I walked into the break room to find him in front of the soda fountain using the cold water to wash his dick.

There was also a bit of a pigeon problem in the warehouse over the summer. Mostly it just manifested as birds flying around every now and again, and occasional bird shit splattered of bottles. One day, I was driving one of those power jacks around when I spot a pigeon flying through the rafters when it suddenly flies straight into a spinning ceiling fan, bounces off, and hits the ground as the air is filled with downy feathers slowly falling to the ground. The bird was in a bad way, thrashing around and shitting everywhere until a co worker and I swept it out the nearest bay doors with a broom.

wow rude

one time there was a big department meeting where the department had reserved a meeting room, but a middle management guy from a different department had someone in it switch the outlook calendars around so that they were actually in somebody else's meeting room and fired all 31 of them for the outlook changes he had made. a bunch of people got together to try to get the big boss to undo the firings but nothing ever came of it like always

Zahgaegun

Summer between my soph and jr year of college I was delivering furniture waaaaaay up in northern MN. We were a resort town located on a big lake, so we did quite a few deliveries to island cabins. 

One windy day we loaded a fridge on a pontoon boat. While motoring over to the island we hit a swell and the fridge began to tip. My idiot coworker attempts to grab the dolly but the fridge fell right through the side of the pontoon and *bloop* went into 75 ft deep water with my coworker hanging on. 

He disappeared for about ten long seconds before resurfacing. He said "Took me a bit to remember to let go."

Mad Doctor Cthulhu

I used to work at libraries doing IT work. One day this older woman comes in in a rage and starts beating on the door to the handicapped bathroom. She somehow gets the door open, screams in rage, and pulls out a teenager by the ear with his dick flapping in the wind and his pants around his ankles. A few seconds later, a teenage girl walks out calm as can be and takes a seat at the computers.

At first I'm thinking it's just teenagers being stupid: the handicapped bathroom is the only room in the library that anybody can use and having a lockable door and being inside some heavy stone walls, it's fairly soundproof. Nope: turns out that the girl's mother and brother were there, and that the mom was whoring out the daughter for some side money. No idea why the brother was there, but apparently the handicapped bathroom was a place for the daughter to sell her 'wares' so anybody could come in, pay the mom, and then finish up with the girl and then leave.

When Pimp Mom and her brethren were led out of the library by security, the brother let it drop that his own sister just gotten over her latest case of crabs. We had to close down the computer lab earlier to disinfect everything.

rejutka

Having to clean liquid shit off a wall.

It's not the worst thing but, pondering the question, it jumps out from memory. I had to clean liquid shit off a wall that managed to get five feet up a wall. Or start from five feet up a wall, I am still unsure of the mechanics. And I do mean liquid shit, not diarrhoea. This had the consistency of very fatty mincemeat cooked in it's own juices. Absolutely not the smell, though. Or the colour. This was a distressing shade of vibrant brown. And did I mention five feet up a wall? To this day I am unsure of how anyone managed this, even if you had like a stepladder or chair or stool or an accomplice or something. Like Stonehenge or Newgrange, it existed but we aren't quite sure how.

Jastiger

Worked at Best Buy and an irate woman came in super mad that we hadn't released her computer yet. I went and checked the notes and was told that she was not to have her computer back and to refer her to management. Did so then thought nothing of it.

Later that day a certain Geek Squad dude came in and filled me in quietly in the back. Turns out the cops had impounded her computer for child porn and she hadn't been informed yet because they were building a case against her. They showed me a few of the file names on the computer and it was stuff like ***LOLITA 14 YO TEEN SEX WITH MAN*** or **Young Teen with Multiple Dudes***. Shit like that.

Well whoever was checking the PC for unrelated repairs turned it in for CP and the cops were brought into it.

Three weeks later the computer shows back up at the Geek Squad all wrapped in "EVIDENCE" tape and shit. We were told to call her to let her know her PC was ready, and when she came to pick it up thats when they'd nab her. Well, she somehow catches wind of it and doesn't' show up to pick up her computer, so for about a month the computer sits in the back with EVIDENCE tape all over it. Technically its still in police custody, so no one was allowed to touch it or mess with it. 

After that month is up, the woman shows up PISSED AS HELL again, but this time with a pasty teenager with a hoodie and ball cap pulled low over his head. Unbeknownst to her he'd been downloading a TON of huge porn packages from P2P sites and it was causing havoc with the computer. He either pled out, convinced the police it was an accident, or was too young to prosecute but he ended up getting everything cleared up so that he wasn't on some list and the mom was cleared of any wrong doing. In either case they checked it out and it was determined it wasn't really CP, just fetish porn and/or unintentional child porn from Russia or some shit.

Geek Squad wiped the computer and turned the computer back over to her. She was mortified as this EVIDENCE computer was lifted out and set in front of the crowded Best Buy. They had also printed out the entire list of file names and descriptions from the porn directory and handed that to her as well. She wasn't familiar with it so she started reading it, thinking it was an invoice or some such. As soon as she realized what it was she started screaming at him to get his PORN COMPUTER out of the STORE right NOW this is the LAST TIME YOU'RE EVER USING THE INTERNET and I CAN"T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME.

Was a pretty interesting ordeal at the time to be ready to take down an evil CP haver, then it turns out its some dumbass teenager downloading a bunch of shit. Still was pretty bad to see a life nearly destroyed because of it.

Illegal Username

Pulled a foot-long tapeworm out of a dude's butt.

– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)