The worst workplace stories!

Kizurue

Worked in both state corrections and now federal corrections for a few years each. I can honestly say state has the straight crazies and fed inmates are more chill.

Fed inmates: One guy in this late 20s starts a fight with this old con who is in his 40s. They fight for a bit and the old guy wears down the younger kid then puts him in a headlock. To seal his victory he bends down and bites the younger guys eyebrow off and spits it on the floor. They shook hands, cleaned up the mess, walked off. Oh and left the eyebrow. 

State inmate: Some random guy just gets bored one day and takes a staple and sharpens it on the cement. Proceed to slit his sack from top to bottom because he didn't think the pictures in the medical books he had were correct. When he finally tells staff 3 days later he grabs his sack to show us and squeezed to hard to where a testicle popped out. 

So many stories about the weird shit inmates at the state do to their junk. Only met one fed inmate who cut the whole sack off, put it in a milk carton and handed it to a CO.

Azuth0667

One of my bosses at a terrible retail place destroying the back room in a tantrum when I said that this place pays minimum wage so I don't care about my year end performance review. What makes this terrible is that the boss some how knocked over a shelf, mid tantrum, containing those disgusting plastic cat food packs which then oozed all over the backroom floor and congealed into some horrifying blob of shit.

Network Pesci

When I was a deckhand on the boats in Port Fourchon I saw a guy get his hand crushed/amputated by one of the gigantic ropes they tie 100+ foot boats to the docks with. Some Stephen King book, I don't remember which, uses the phrase, "it was like watching a stick of dynamite go off inside a glove full of meat." Yeah, pretty much. The night before the accident the guy was trying to convince me to go off behind the warehouse and drink some mushroom tea with him.

Applewhite

This reminds me of the time back at Krogers when my friend and I decided to prank one of our jerk coworkers by tricking him into eating six cups of raw, uncooked rice and drinking a half gallon of water. The rice swelled up in his stomach and started pushing all his crap out and he epically shit himself in front of everyone. Like, not just a big shit but like, the entire contents of both his large and small intestines all over the floor of the warehouse. The most horrific part was when my irate manager made me clean it all up by myself even though I wasn't the only guy who pulled the prank >: (

Karate Bastard

I once saw this little asshole eat another person's snot in the lunch room, off of a sandwich he swiped off the other guy's plate when he was looking away. Big effin loogie too. Daycare ist krieg.

Hobo By Design

Used to work in a cemetery, occasionally unburied people. Some dude was buried between his wife and mistress, his kids found out and wanted their parents exhumed + cremated. This is decades after the fact. After hauling up the bronze vaults in the middle of summer, we took a lunch break. Afterwards, I held the casket open while a decades-old corpse was transferred into the tray or w/e it's called that goes into the crematory. Mostly solid. Fingernails came off when the mortician took off the rings. Smell was bad. One of my coworkers threw up. Turns out the kids didn't even have power of attorney!

A local funeral home had Drama (owner was a cokehead, son of previous owner), they tried to bury a child in a styrofoam cooler. Dude got in trouble when he kept a body in a unrefrigerated closet for like 2 weeks.

20matar

I worked in a dumb little computer store as a teen. It was my first job. One night, the store was broken into. One of the thieves did a poor job in busting the metal door open, and managed to cut himself deep on it. There was caked blood everywhere. They stole an old customer's ancient computer, a damaged motherboard, and a brand new 15 inch LCD display.