cda
Me: Eggs, cheese, hot sauce...uhh..kitty litter.
Russian agent: Vy are you sayink dis to me Comrade, is not in codebook.
*files FOIA request, goes grocery shopping 2 1/2 years later*
Space Taxi
Bank: Hello. Before we can proceed with this call, you'll need to tell me your four digit security PIN.
Me: Shit, it's been a while. Um.
Me: Four...
Me: Six...
Me: Two?
Me: Um...
Me: Err...
FBI: Three
Me: Right. Three.
Me: Wat?
FutonForensic
me: hi FBI guy
FBI: uhh you're not really supposed to talk directly to us, lmao. we just listen 
me: ooooh ok lol. well i'm just gonna dial the Big Latina Asses hotline. are you okay with Big Latina Asses?
FBI: i freakin' love Big Latina Asses, my man. carry on lol
me: *redial* hello, is this Big Latina Asses hotline 
👌
FBI: 
👌
They Might Be
FBI: We need more data on this fella, but he doesn't seem to be much for talking on his telephone. Put him on "Project Warranty."
Me, for the next five years: Oh sorry I don't need an extended warranty for my vehicle... Yes... Please take me off your list.
social vegan
*slams the table* this whole operation was worthless, I've got 45 hours from his samsung and all he does is respond to Dora's questions
FutonForensic
me: hey, Chelsea? I just wanted to say... um...
???: TELL HER YOU ENJOY HER COMPANY. TREAT HER AS A PERSON, NOT AN OBJECT.
Chelsea: Yeah! Do those things!
me: uh, uh, slut! you're an ugly negged slut and you'll take me to prom! blehblehblehbleh (<-- bad cunnilingus noises)
???: YOU FOOL. YOU THREW AWAY WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN A BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP. CHELSEA. GO TO PROM WITH ME. WE WILL RULE THE CEREMONY NOT AS PROM KING AND QUEEN, BUT AS PROM GODS
Chelsea: nah
nobodygetshurt
Hacking tip: To reverse the wiretap, simply turn your phone upside down with the mic on your ear and the speaker by your mouth. You have now wiretapped the FBI.
–
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