Mayor Wilkins here with another happy Goldmine. Since I'm out of the country this week, it'll be short and horrifying, because I won't be getting any angry e-mail that's sent to me.
Guess what this week's theme is. Go ahead and guess. No, that's wrong. No, that's also wrong. I'll go ahead and tell you - this week's theme is sex with old people. That's right, forum goons wrote various haiku about banging old people. It's all forum goon Niabzel's fault, and he should probably be shot.
Niabzel:
Sex is like winter
I stop to breathe in the breeze
Grey pubes and talcum
You learn as you age
Canes have more than one good use
They make you come harder
You remember Taft
I only know back to Bush
Scat remains the same
Destructoclops:
metamucil now
opens river of brown love
will you remember?
I ache for your love
Like bones ache for calcium
will you remember?
thrust it deep inside
You feel nothing, what is wrong?
Oh God...inside cat.
stuph:
Moving in tandem
I shatter your other hip
Maybe we should stop
barren_sky:
Wrinkles turn to creeks
The salt water forms a pool
Beneath her bottum
So little time left
We fuck for the past and now
But not the future
stonebone:
old, wrinkled penis
ejaculates cloud of dust.
Thank you, viagra.
Grandma and Grandpa
Making the beast with two backs.
Priapism cure.
BiterAtmonk:
Hanging breasticles,
look like melting icicles.
I suck on their ends.
Mouthing wrinkly bags;
A taste fills my mouth but not
milk; the taste of cheese.
Vicissitude:
Little pinkish folds
Feeling tighter than it should
Wait, that's not her cooch...
Knitting needles sting
Throws my aim off way too low
Came on her girdle
Squishy and wet like
Fucking a watermelon
Put your teeth back in.
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.
Previous Articles
- Horrible Tales From A Chinese Restaurant
- Other Jobs Video Game Baddies Could Do
- I Was Stalked By A Lovecraftian Horror
- Dumbass of Love
- Choose Your Own e/n
