SEX questions megathread! [PARODY]

Triticum Guzzler

My kink is rather unique and it's driving a wedge between myself and my wife of 16 years. We dress up and role play. She wears a white coat and I talk out of one side of my mouth in a Sylvester Stallone impression, and tell her I'm feeling old and discuss facelift options. We start slow at first, putting just the tip in and out a little as she pulls back the skin around my eyes and talks about taking care of my crow's feet as I crack wise Sly-style about not wanting to look too much like a surprised cat. I have all the intonations and sense of humour down, I'm really into it.

We start going full bore as she talks about a little nip and tuck at the hairline to pull the forehead taut, and botox injections. I say I'm not too sure how long I can do this (my movie career, not the sex), I mean does the world really need 3 Expendables movies? Maybe it's time I stepped aside and let some new talent make an action movie. You know The Rock ain't perfect, wouldn't have made it in the 80's, but maybe he's the best we've got and should be allowed to flourish? She strokes the prosthetic old man flaps I've glued to my neck and starts tutting. I'm really about to blast at this point so I grab her shoulders, pump hard, and repeatedly yell "CALL ME MR. STALLONE, CALL ME MR. STALLONE".

At this point she jumps out of bed, takes off the coat, and starts screaming about how all the Rocky movies after the first one were shitty, derivative garbage for children and that Stallone's late stage career is just childish wish fulfilment fantasies for middle aged losers who can't handle the weight of responsibility and rely on childhood crutches, archaic and hollow hero worship, and cartoonish depictions of good and evil to maintain some kind of sociocultural homeostasis, so I can exist in an "awful, loser nerd bubble" constantly reminiscing about the 80's and never meaningfully engaging with the modern world. I won't tell you what she said about Cobra, but I will say that there isn't a lawyer in the land who wouldn't immediately say that counts as "irreconcilable differences".

Anyway, I do love my wife and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep this marriage healthy, so I've been thinking about making some changes recently. My question is: do you think Schwarzenegger appeals more to women? Maybe Bruce Willis? That one would be much harder, especially the voice, but I'm willing to put the work in to keep my wife happy.

Triticum Guzzler

I will come right out and say it. Lately I have been having some performance anxiety and no amount of prostate stimulation seems to help. When I first saw pictures of Edward Snowden I thought "well, well, well... what have we here?" He was handsome, let's face it. But with each successive picture that gets released he seems gayer and nerdier each time, and now I can no longer achieve erection. To say it is putting a damper on my webcam business is an understatement.

Triticum Guzzler

What are the best depictions of sex available on Netflix? I think I'd really like to have sex but every time I leave my room I get yelled at about laundry and dishes, and my anxiety is bad enough this week as it is (Counter Strike player called me a virgin and I thought I was being spied on, and with all this NSA stuff in the news I'm not convinced that he wasn't a spook)

Triticum Guzzler

DOG IS VERY DIFFCIULT TO FUCK! ONLY HAS ONE FRONT LEG. LOOKING ON EBAY FOR SMALL TABLE OF THE RIGHT HEIGHT BUT WAS SENT JACK REACHER ON BLU RAY INSTEAD. THE BLU RAY CASE IS NOT TALL ENOUGH TO BALANCE THE DOG ON (LABRADOR/ALSATIAN CROSS, TALL AND HANDSOME) AND I ONLY HAVE A DVD PLAYER. FILED PAYMENT DISPUTE BUT WHO KNOWS HOW LONG THAT COULD TAKE, SO SICK OF PAYPAL EVADING REAL BANKING REGULATIONS. CAN ANYONE HONESTLY SAY THEY'RE "NOT" A BANK? LUDICROUS.

Triticum Guzzler

Just thinking out loud here, but I've been doing some research lately on account of my urological issues. I can't afford surgery and, frankly, I don't want some anyone going near my prize frank with a knife anyway (and we all know which kind of people are surgeons). My pecker has a rather obscene twist and curvature to it. Anyway, I digress.

Like I said, I've been doing some research lately and I see a lot of people say that asians have sideways pussies. Is this really true? It would solve a lot of problems, but I'm still a bit concerned, ideologically. I mean, I know "we" had a wartime alliance with the Japanese but I don't know if it would really sit right with the family. Heil Hitler.

Thanks to manyak and Triticum Guzzler for writing all this original comedy content in the FYAD parody thread! (NOTE to newcomers: They are making jokes and not saying real erotic troubles.)

– FYAD