SEX questions megathread! [PARODY]

Because Something Awful is a modern online multiplex with hyper-specialized subforums that facilitate all sorts of high-level discussion, there is a "SEX Questions Megathread," in which Goons share their problems and peeves, and then actual medical experts/convincing imposters/Wikipedia searchers respond with educated advice and relevant anecdotes. But because SA is still, above all, a comedy site, there's also a thread in which funny posters pretend to be the sad-sack sex people!

manyak

Me and the bf have been having an... er.... "problem" lately. Let's just say he's a little bit.. um..... how shall I put this... "bigger" than average? He's a little more... shall we say... Endowed than average? Not trying to be weird.. not trying to brag... my life partner is just, let's just say.. a little... "bigger" than average? Anyway, the problem is my pussy has a green rash on it.

Triticum Guzzler

Wikipedia, Wolfram Alpha, and even Jeeves have failed me. I have even looked at the Hasbro website, and sure enough it has lots of instructions on how to transform many versions of Optimus Prime from truck to robot and vice versa. However, for the life of me I can't figure out how to transform my penis into boner mode.

I found the secret flap and I've been pulling it into all sorts of different directions and configurations. For a while I thought maybe there was some kind of button or mechanism in my testes, but after the testicular torsion surgery the hospital referred me to social services, and when I asked them how to get a hard rod they just put me in a home. A little help, goons?

Triticum Guzzler

Take my wife, please! Haha, I'm getting really good at saying that in all kinds of situations because we've "agreed" (HEAVILY AIRQUOTING WITH MY FAT UNLOVABLE FINGERS IN FRONT OF MY MONITOR RIGHT NOW) to an open marriage so she doesn't have to look at my disgusting, bloated body or smell my "phismological problems" as her and my therapist have pejoratively termed it. It is EXTREMELY difficult for me to get the smegma out of there and she KNOWS I'm very sensitive about it, but those two clowns can't help but yuk it up.

Anyway, I'm getting the last laugh because she lets me sit in whenever she has sex with my coworker Steve, but secretly I'm jacking off to him not her. We "agreed" not to feel jealous but I know this would tear her up if she knew, so I'm saving this bomb for next time she asks me to get rid of my Transformers collection. So, other tight foreskin goons, do you have any masturbation tips for pain free pleasure? Share them here!

Triticum Guzzler

Any suggestions for music while making love? (I'm a lover, NOT a fucker, as an aside) Anyway I mostly listen to video game OSTs, but had a bit of an embarrassing moment last week when I started weeping uncontrollably and had to explain the death of Aerith to my SO. I thought she'd be happy, and see that it affects me so deeply because of feminism, but she was jealous that I care so much about another woman. Anybody know of any upbeat VG tunes that are good to bone down to? --Greets from Holland

Triticum Guzzler

Grettings! How do you do and Grettings., FROM turkiye!

I have put cums, many times, in sister and mother. Sex is perfected, logistically. nO problem boss! Got very good manual like IKEA style and, further also, private lessons with dear uncle in cattle shed between aeges 8-14. but now i want to buy my own woman for myself. it is time i am a man now.

HOWEVER! problem, my big problem! read the other forums And they say many things! cConfusing crazy storiess very much! gbs say i have to research the fembolism, which killed dear uncle. the mentally ill child pastime forum say i have to play as the weak girl in Mass Effect. ok, i will do that, i think. But cannot! I searched google wih the internet and prices my god! xbox is too expensive. i adulterate as much jew meat as possible with pork but, to pay for this, would need entire family of pigs. it cost even more than a wife! what i can do?

Triticum Guzzler

I'm new to all this sex business, but I've been having a blast figuring it out as I go along. That said, I'd really like to "level up" my knowledge. We met through Pokemon, so needless to say this is my first sexual relationship, but my partner doesn't really enjoy clitoral stimulation and the only time she achieved a real screaming orgasm like in the pornos was when we had sex three times without leaving the bed. I don't know if it's just bad technique on my part but I'd really like some suggestions for what to do. I invest HEAVILY in foreplay but I don't seem to be reaping the rewards. Anyway, FatLarry96, the correct term is "ephebophile".