How To Get Away With Murder! (JOKE ARTICLE) (DON'T ARREST US)

FOR NOVELTY PURPOSES ONLY. DO NOT TRY THE STUFF IN THIS ARTICLE AT HOME, EVEN THOUGH THEY WOULD COMPLETELY WORK. SOMETHING AWFUL ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT AFFORD ANOTHER LAWSUIT.

Ace of Baes

befriend the target and get him or her to eat lunch every day with you at really unhealthy restraunts all the time and convince him or her to make fiscally irresponsible decisions to increase their blood pressure

Robot Made of Meat

Ensure that your victim lives long enough to die of old age.

misty mountaintop

Put a sign on their back their back that says "PLEASE MURDER ME."

note: I haven't figured out how to get away with putting the sign on their back yet

i flunked out

make it so the only evidence is circumstantial, then hire an excellent team of lawyers that can get you off

bacalou

invent time travel to go back and become one of their parents, then go back further in time and kill yourself as a child

Ace of Baes

plant lots of large trees around the victims house and do lots of rain dances to increase chances of a thunderstorm

bacalou

offer to show them the time of their lives and then tape the detonation counter to their eyes

misty mountaintop

People underestimate the power of a sincere apology. If you look the police firmly in the eye and say "I'm sorry for committing murder," you should be good to go.

Hogge Wild

every time your target is drinking a healthy and vitamin-rich juice knock it out of his hand

December Octopodes

train a bear in secret to attack a dummy with a picture of their face taped on, and after it's full grown release and watch the carnage!

uhh... bear? bear leave that poor dummy alone. bear the guy is right there. right there!

Ace of Baes

find out when the target is going to fly then look up who the pilot is and have an affair with their s.o. and reveal the affair the night before the flight so the lack of sleep will decrease his ability to not crash the plane
note: you may need to also sleep with the co pilots s.o. for maximum effectiveness

misty mountaintop

Commit two murders. Since you can't be tried twice for the same crime (murder), you will get away with one of them. This is what is known as "double jeopardy."

Ace of Baes

subliminally plant the idea of vacationing in Syria in the targets mind via a homemade tourism campaign

Luvcow

find a small smooth stone and paint the victims name on it in your own blood. Carry the stone with you everyday, maybe on a leather strap around your neck. Every night before you sleep, look at the rock and tell it to die. 100% guarantee this technique will eventually work.