Literature hasn't been relevant to anyone except bow tie people since 1922. Luckily, the SA Forum Goons have updated some classic works of literature for the modern age! It's like what James Joyce did for the Odyssey, except in the form of a glorified listicle!
Smash it Smash hit
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT a student kills Rick Harrison and his simple servant Chumlee and buries a 52" flat screen tv in a quarry.
Blurry Gray Thing
The Time Machine:
A man travels to the distant future to discover that Trump and Hillary supporters have diverged and evolved in very different and terrifying ways.
At the end he travels even further, to a world ruled by enormous orange lobsters with very tiny claws.
misty mountaintop
The Deadliest Game
Married couple neglect their child to death while playing a Korean MMO.
Manticorny
To the Lighthouse -- a bunch of people sit around a beach house tweeting
Plebian Paraside
The Portrait of Dorian Gray: In a long forgotten corner of the internet, a man's Myspace profile ages in his stead.
Doctor J Off
2001: A Space Odyssey
A monolith is identified on the moon from Satellite photography. Nasa attempts to investigate, but is denied funding. Twenty years later, they manage to get a little drone up to test the soil around it
Blurry Gray Thing
Sherlock Holmes:
A man solves crimes using his downright uncanny ability to know exactly what to look up on Wikipedia.
The Hound of the Baskervilles:
Same basic story as the old one, except instead of Watson and those other people, the Scooby-Doo gang aid the detective in solving the ghost-dog mystery.
Doctor J Off
The Old Man and the Sea
Grandpa has to get a job at Long John Silvers for the health insurance 
Rush Limbo
Moby Dick: Japanese scientists engage in a delicate research mission
Dr. Dogballs Jr.
the three musketeers three masters of playing wow grudgingly take on a fourth member after a series of whacky coincidences in dungeon raids
This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
About This Column
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.