Jokes With Realistic Endings

"Why aren't there any Mexicans on Star Trek?"

"Well, that's a highly debatable assumption. First, one only sees a small fraction of the Terran population on the show, so there is no reason to assume that any ethnic group is unrepresented in that vision of the future. Secondly, there have been several notable characters played by actors of Hispanic descent. Recently, these include Robert Beltran (Chakotay) and Roxann Dawson (B'Elanna Torres). Interestingly enough, Dawson seems to have changed her last name from Caballero, perhaps in order to reduce the risk of being typecast because of her ethnicity. Star Trek in general seems to be very progressive with respect to using diverse casts, as evidenced by the first interracial kiss on The Original Series, and the introduction of Chekov during the height of the Cold War."

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
One is of the genus canis, the other is of the genus vulpis

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other's a shopping bag.

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car starts making horrible noises. He manages to get the car into a small town before it finally stalls out in the middle of the street. He gets out of the car and, hiking through the hot desert afternoon, sweat pouring down his penguin brow, he locates the town's car repair shop.

"Excuse me, sir," the penguin says as he approaches the mechanic. "My car's broken down a little way down the street. I was hoping you could help me."

The mechanic pauses for a moment, then shakes his head. "No, I can't help you," he says.

"Why not?" asks the penguin.

"Because you're another hallucination, and I have to close the shop down now and take my medication and maybe take a nap so that it can take effect." The mechanic slams the door in the penguin's face.

The penguin, stunned and dismayed, wanders around town for another hour, but he can't find anyone to help him. Unaccustomed to such sweltering, overwhelming heat, and unable to find shelter of any sort from the intense afternoon sun, the pengiun soon succumbs to the heat and dies

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella around?

In case it should rain.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithall to perform suich a complex activity is really quite low.

A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.

"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."

The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.

"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.

"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."

"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."

Nobody says a word.

A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm all out of tunafish."

So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."

But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."

The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"

The customer, now irate, realizes that the salesman was actually a mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store.