The Hell Kitchen

Now that some time has gone by and I'm not so angry at the granita anymore, take your now pretty much completely frozen bowl and beat the living fuck out of it with a fork. Taste, then realize that it needs a little more acidity. Add juice of a lemon, then continue to beat the fuck out of it with a fork. Continue to thrash slurry until there's no chunks.

The bite, coolness and lemony/fruity taste of the granita offset the Devil's eggs' richness and heaviness perfectly.

So how was everything? It was incredible. Without a doubt the finest thing I've ever cooked and almost definitely the greatest thing I've ever eaten.

The pretzel soaked up all of the hollandaise and runny yolk, which played off of the pungent, salty, meaty confit hidden under the egg. The dish was bursting with flavor and every ingredient was cooked perfectly. The granita was described by The Lady as "The best thing I've ever had," and the ginger and hibiscus were so much more than the sum of their parts.

Also, you should know that I'm not a professional chef. I am an amateur who likes to try new things cooking. If I can do this fucked up, you can do it sober. I realize that this is a pretty in-depth recipe, but with a little preparation it can easily be made on a weekend morning. The confit and pretzels can be cooked in advance. When properly stored, they keep for days. The habanero butter could very easily be wrapped and refrigerated, then slowly heated w/ egg yolks and lemon. Then you just add a poached egg. With the pretzels, confit and habanero butter prepared ahead of time, this recipe takes no more time to make in the morning than normal eggs Benedict.

OK, this looks great, right? But you might have noticed that even though you couldn't see the cartoon heat marks emanating from the 120-degree Hell Kitchen, certain aspects of its appearance are not aesthetically pleasing! And even if you didn't notice this, the SA Forum Goons certainly did.

Mr. Wiggles: The food looks great, but what part of the Hell Kitchen precludes you from cleaning it on occasion?

Drink and Fight: Despite your godawful kitchen and sanitation, your Devil's Eggs look really fucking good and I would eat the hell out of that. Nice job. Seriously though get out you live in a tenement and probably have hantavirus.

Happy Abobo: Every picture of your kitchen sent literal shivers up my spine.

JaundiceDave: That is probably the most depressing place I have ever seen.

Croatoan: The dude plated his Granita on a peeled-down beer can.

notafbiagent: Please post instructions on your homemade dessert cups. (See above.) My attempts have resulted in hand and lip lacerations. Also, your kitchen is a tragedy of horrors.

Yawgmoth: You should wipe your entire kitchen down with fire.

angerbot: I'd eat your food but I don't want hepatitis.

ascii man: Great food, and made all the better by the fact it was produced in a kitchen with bad architecture/sentient dirt. I'd still eat it. Presentation (of the food, anyway) is everything!

See, you have no excuse for not preparing gourmet meals, even if you are literally an undead creature confined eternally to the cafeteria kitchen at that Silent Hill school. Other Goons with Spoons threads also combine intriguing recipes with amusing commentary; perhaps they'll appear in this space if anyone cares about this one!

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller