Far below me, I heard the squeal of sirens and the crunch of tires rolling over brittle bird carcasses. I glanced down, through the red haze that filled the air, and saw dozens of hospital vehicles and police wagons and those trucks that SWAT teams get out of and motorcycles and news vans.

A man stood at the edge of the group and lifted a megaphone to his lips.

"Climb back down off this building and allow yourself to be taken into custody! You are a danger to everyone, the infection you are carrying is highly contagious and must be stopped!"

The voice of the man sounded eerily similar to that of my father, in that it sounded exactly like my father's voice, because the man was my father.

The tiny figure that was my father handed the megaphone to another tiny figure that I recognized as my wife, Starlight. I could see them clearly, even at this far distance, not due to any new superpower I had acquired but simply because my eyesight has always been especially acute.

"Please, sweetheart..." My wife intoned, "Please come down before you hurt yourself"

With lightning speed, I composed my first and final speech to these people who used to be my family and friends.

"With my new power, my new strength, the world is about to change, the world will be remade in my image. The things that I care about, the things that I know are important, will be exalted. All the so-called concerns and cares and preoccupations you tiny ants have will be crushed under my mighty denim fists and also my denim feet." I thought to myself.

Then I opened my mouth and I said those words to the people down below.

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.

  • DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful