Mammograms!

If you don't know what a mammogram is, check out this slightly NSFW video. I'll wait. Done? OK, now you can read this comedy article [about mammograms] with the proper context. Thanks as always to the Something Awful forum posters - without them these articles would just be this intro and a bunch of blank space.

Android Blues

getting my titty squashed between two giant radioactive plates? why not just press it in the pages of a book, as one would a delicate desert rose

Android Blues

tfw when youre at the mammogram shop and the doctor needs to really pinch your boob to get it to go between the plates, and the lady in the leaflet has these huge honkers, and youre like "man, some people have all the luck at being squashed tits-wise between these huge radioactive plates"

Android Blues

Wanted: Mammogram Model for Leaflet Photography (MUST have huge honkers - therefore to demonstrate the power of the mammogram, and cohere to the patient its true threat)

Android Blues

when i see a mammogram machine squashing those huge honkers its like the feeling a cave woman probably got when she watched a pterodactyl pick up a mammoth and carry it away into the sky. awe - dread - and like, the pterodactyl is eating the mammoth before its even dead

Android Blues

titty doctor: You still don't understand what you're dealing with, do you? The perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility.
me: I admire its purity. A titty squashing device … unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality.

FactsAreUseless

And who can possibly forget the famous "mammogram for Mongo" scene from Blazing Saddles?

alnilam

"Mongo like mammaries!" he says, and then the poor woman explodes, unaware of what the "federal booby inspectors" were really implanting in her. We had really gotten to know and love that character, too. My god, the audience thinks, sheriff Bart and the Waco Kid are terrifying, they really will stoop to any level in the name of justice... but justice, for whom?

FactsAreUseless

Doctors couldn't care one way or the other about cancer, but I do know one thing: they love putting radiation inside some big flippy-flappy bazongas. Just batting them around with ping-pong paddles made out of alpha particles and having a real good time as they boing all over the place.

FactsAreUseless

And if you do get cancer? Good news, the doctors have a different kind of radiation they can shoot into your sweater pupae while they chant and holler and your chesty breasties fly around like they're in a wind tunnel.

Piso Mojado

mammograms would be much more fun for everyone if they made a whoopie cushion fart sound as the plates began to press

Android Blues

patient: alright doc, go ahead. do it - crush my titty. [pounding fist on table] turn me into the human version of orange pulp you god damn animal

doctor: alright, first a few questions. where do you feel the lump?

patient: what lump?

Android Blues

new cave paintings appear to reveal primitive "stone age" mammogram

Android Blues

Behold! Using the power of glow rock, we have tamed the human breast!