Awfully Weird Tales #1

When a thread doesn't fit anywhere else, or its author wants to hit a big audience, the place to do it is in GBS, the General Bullshit forum! Forums user Applewhite started a new pulp scifi and fantasy 'zine there to showcase their ongoing Strongo the Warrior series, but so many other amazing contributors joined them it'll take more than one week to do it justice. Enjoy issue #1 of Awfully Weird Tales, in the comedy goldmine!

Click for 2000x2392

Written by Applewhite, Cover Illustration by BFM

"Strongo, you truly are the strongest man in the world!" said Strongo's best friend, Weeko. "You just killed two tigers with your bare hands!"
"I am the strongest," said Strongo. Two dead tigers lay at his feet. "I fear nothing."
"Don't you even fear the Bad Wizard?" asked Weeko. "He has powerful magic."
"I'm not afraid of the Bad Wizard," said Strongo. "I'm so strong, he should fear me!"
Strongo and Weeko laughed together at the Bad Wizard.

***
High in his tower of bones, the Bad Wizard spied on Strongo with his crystal ball. What he heard Strongo say made him angry.
"You should fear me, Strongo!" said the Bad Wizard. "For I am plotting to destroy you!"
Strongo couldn't hear the Bad Wizard's threats and kept laughing inside the crystal ball.
"You won't be laughing for very long!" promised the Bad Wizard. "I'm starting my plot right now!"
The Bad Wizard went to his evil laboratory where he kept all his magic. There was a girl there on a slab with her eyes closed.
"You are the most beautiful girl in the world," the Bad Wizard told the unconscious girl. "Because I built you from the best parts of the most beautiful women I could capture. Even your insides are beautiful. Strongo will not be able to resist your beauty."
The Bad Wizard went to a switch on the wall.
"I made you beautiful, now I will make you alive!" he shouted.
The Bad Wizard threw the switch and lightning electrified the girl, bringing her to life!
She sat up on the slab and looked around. Smoke came out of her hair.
"What is my name?" she asked.
"Your name is Beautia," the Bad Wizard told her. "You are my creation and must obey me."
"What are your orders, master?" asked Beautia. She was naked.
"You are to destroy Strongo!" the Bad Wizard commanded.
"How am I to destroy Strongo?" asked Beautia. "He is the strongest man in the world."
"You must pretend to be in love with him," said the Bad Wizard. "Then he will believe what you say and you will trick him into my trap."
"I understand," said Beautia.
"Be warned, Beautia," the Bad Wizard warned. "You must only pretend to be in love with Strongo. You must not actually fall in love with him; I forbid it!"
"I will obey," said Beautia.
"Good," said the Bad Wizard. "Now, go!"

***
Strongo and Weeko were still laughing together when Strongo heard something with his sharp ears. It was the sound of someone screaming for help!
"Shush, Weeko!" Strongo ordered him. "Someone is screaming for help."
Weeko listened. He heard the screams too.
"It's coming from the jungle!" said Weeko.
Strongo was already running into the jungle.
He saw two monsters attacking a beautiful girl! She was the one who'd been screaming earlier.
"You're dead, monsters!" yelled Strongo. He punched the first monster's head off.
The other monster tried to bite him, but he cut it completely in half with his sword. Blood sprayed all over him.
"That's the end of those monsters!" cheered Weeko.
"Thank you for saving me," said the girl Strongo had just rescued.
Strongo was so amazed by how beautiful the girl was that he said "Wowza!"
The girl's hair was golden. Her face was tan. The skin on her arms was black and the skin on her legs was white. She was wearing a dress so he couldn't see the rest of her skin colors, but her shape was beautiful.
"What is your name?" asked Strongo. He couldn't look away from her beautiful eyes. One of her eyes was green, the other was blue. Her eye shape was Asian.
"My name is Beautia," answered Beautia.
"Beautia, what were you doing alone in the jungle?" asked Weeko. Weeko didn't like girls so he didn't care how beautiful she was. Strongo was his best friend.
"I was going to my grandmother's house to bring her a basket of treats," lied Beautia.
"That sounds like a lie," said Weeko. "You don't even have a basket!"
Strongo slapped Weeko but not hard enough to hurt him, but it still hurt Weeko's feelings.
"She must have lost her basket in the jungle!" Strongo yelled.
"I'm so sad!" said Beautia, pretending to cry. "I've lost my basket! Now my grandmother will starve!"
"We have lots of food," said Strongo. "We'll share."
"I'm not sharing any of my food," said Weeko. He still didn't believe Beautia.
"Weeko, I will hit you again!" warned Strongo, raising his hand. His hand was very big and hard. Weeko frowned and stopped talking.
"I'm scared," said Beautia. "What if there are more monsters?"
"I'll protect you from the monsters," Strongo told her.
"Oh! I'm so happy!" Beautia hugged Strongo's neck. He hugged her back with his muscular arms and squeezed her bottom. She didn't tell him to stop so it was okay.
"Is your bottom black, too?" asked Strongo.
"How did you know?" asked Beautia.
"Just a guess," said Strongo.
"Where does your grandmother live?" Weeko asked her.
"In the jungle. This way. Follow me," said Beautia. She led the way into the jungle.
"That's the way to the dark and scary part of the jungle!" said Weeko.
"If you're too scared, stay behind," Strongo told him. "I'll carry the food."
Strongo took the food from Weeko and followed Beautia into the jungle.
Weeko was left all alone.

***
Beautia led Strongo very far into the jungle. It kept getting darker and darker until Strongo could hardly see.
"Are we almost there?" asked Strongo.
"Just a little farther," said Beautia. It was so dark Strongo couldn't even see her; he was just following her voice.
But Beautia could still see. Her green eye was secretly a tiger's eye and she could see in the dark with it. She saw where the Bad Wizard had put his trap and stepped around it.
Then she said:
"Walk straight forward, don't go around."
"Don't go around what?" asked Strongo.
But it was too late. He stepped into the trap!
A big cage made of evil bones fell on Strongo and trapped him.
"What is this?" Strongo yelled. "A cage of bones?"
"You've fallen for my trap," said the Bad Wizard, stepping out of the darkness.
"The Bad Wizard!" Strongo yelled. "Run away, Beautia! I'll protect you!"
Beautia didn't run away. She walked up and stood next to the Bad Wizard.
"No, Beautia! Stay away from him! He's evil!" yelled Strongo. He shook the bars of his cage and they started to break.
"Don't try to break out of the cage, Strongo, or I will hurt the girl," said the Bad Wizard. He held up a knife with a curved blade and held it up to Beautia's chin.
"I don't believe you!" Strongo shook the cage again. The bone bars cracked loudly.
The Bad Wizard poked Beautia's chin with the tip of the knife. A drop of red blood came out. Beautia started to cry for real!
"No!" Strongo yelled. "I believe you!"
"Don't forget: I'll kill her if you try to escape," said the Bad Wizard. He clapped his hands and four skeletons appeared in a puff of smoke. They lifted up the cage with Strongo inside.
"Take him to the tower!" the Bad Wizard told the skeletons. "I will feed him to the alligators!"
The skeletons obeyed their master and started walking.

***
The Bad Wizard had Strongo tied up over the alligator pit.
"Now you will die, Strongo!" The Bad Wizard laughed evilly.
"I don't care what happens to me, just let Beautia go!" said Strongo.
"You fool!" The Bad Wizard laughed at him again. "She doesn't love you! She's been on my side all along!"
"You're a liar!" yelled Strongo. He couldn't believe it!
"I'll prove it!" said the Bad Wizard. He looked at Beautia and gave her orders. "Press the button to lower Strongo into the alligator pit!"
Beautia reached out to push the button but didn't push it. She didn't want to.
"Push the button!" the Bad Wizard shouted at her.
Beautia looked up at Strongo. "I'm sorry," she said.
A tear fell out of her blue eye and she pressed the button.
"No!" Strongo cried. The machines started to lower him down.
The alligators jumped out of the water and snapped at Strongo's feet. They couldn't wait to eat him!
"Goodbye forever, Strongo!" the Bad Wizard laughed and started to go upstairs. "With Strongo out of the way, I'm free to work my evil magic all over the world!"
Beautia took one last look at Strongo and followed her master up the stairs. The Bad Wizard closed and locked the door behind them.
Strongo was getting lower. The alligators were getting closer.
Just a few more inches and they could jump high enough to bite his legs off!
Just then, Weeko appeared!
"Weeko!" said Strongo. "What are you doing here?"
"I followed you," said Weeko. "I knew it was a trap."
Weeko pressed the button to lift Strongo away from the alligator pit. Then he pulled the levers to move Strongo away from the pit and set him down.
"I should have listened to you, Weeko," said Strongo. "Now we're both trapped in here."
"You're strong enough to break the door," said Weeko. "You'll get us out."
Strongo went over to the door and pulled it as hard as he could, but the door wouldn't open. He punched it and kicked it with all his strength, but it wouldn't break.
"It's no use, Weeko; my heart is broken. I have no strength left," said Strongo. He sat down on the ground and looked sad. "I lost you and then I lost Beautia. I'm all alone."
Weeko sat down and hugged his strong friend.
"You're not alone," said Weeko. "I still like you."
Strongo looked into Weeko's eyes. They were both brown.
"I still like you, too," said Strongo. His face got close to Weeko. Weeko closed his eyes.
"I also like you, Strongo," said Beautia. She was looking through the bars on the little window in the door.
"Beautia!" Strongo stood up.
Weeko frowned at her.
"Aren't you on the Bad Wizard's side?" he asked.
"I switched sides," said Beautia. She unlocked the door and opened it for them.
"How do I know it's not another trick?" asked Strongo.
"I'll prove it!" said Beautia.
"How?" asked Strongo.
"Like this!" Beautia jumped up to Strongo and kissed him right on the lips! She kissed him so hard that Strongo knew it was true love.
Weeko couldn't believe it!
"Now do you believe me?" asked Beautia.
"Yes!" said Strongo. "Let's go get the Bad Wizard!"
All three of them ran up the stairs.
The Bad Wizard was working on an evil spell when Strongo suddenly burst into the room!
"Strongo! How did you escape!" yelled the Bad Wizard.
"I let him out," said Beautia. "I'm not on your side anymore!"
"I'll destroy you for this!" growled the Bad Wizard.
"You won't destroy her because I'll destroy you first," said Strongo.
"But you don't even have a sword!" laughed the Bad Wizard. "If you touch me, I'll turn your hands to dust with my magic!"
"I have your spare sword, Strongo," said Weeko. He took Strongo's spare sword out of his pack and gave it to his friend.
"Oh no!" was the last thing the Bad Wizard said before Strongo chopped off his head. Blood splashed everywhere.
"That's the end of that," said Weeko.
"Think again, fools!" The Bad Wizard's voice laughed. They all looked around to see where it was coming from.
"The crystal ball!" said Beautia.
The Bad Wizard's face was in the crystal ball.
"You only killed one of my copies," laughed the Bad Wizard. "The real me is still alive, and I'll make you pay for what you've done!"
Beautia lifted the crystal ball off its pedestal and smashed it on the ground.
"Shut up," she told it.
Strongo, Weeko, and Beautia all laughed together.

The End

Strongo's adventures aren't over! What will happen to him next?

The Man Who Was Not
Written by A Fancy Hat

Every day, a man walked by my office door. He'd wave or say hello to me. On a few occasions we'd exchange pleasantries or have a small conversation. I never asked what he did in my office, I just assumed he was another office drone like me.

One day, he stopped walking by. I assumed he was off sick, or perhaps had finally taken a vacation. Good for him, I thought, he seems like a nice guy.

I didn't see him for 2 weeks and began to worry. Had he been fired? Was he out sick? I decided to ask around the office, to find out who the man was. I went up to the front desk, to ask our receptionist.

"Excuse me, there's a guy who works here. About 6 foot tall, red hair, maybe 40 years old?"

"I'm sorry, he doesn't seem familiar to me. Maybe he works for the cleaning crew? Or an outside vendor?"

"Can't be, I've seen him here every single day for years."

"How is that possible... when you don't work here either????"

"WHAT???" I started to scream, I could feel myself going insane. My entire worldview had been shattered. What was I? A ghost? A memory? An insane man whose entire worldview had been shattered? I could feel the walls of reality fall away, dark things long ago forgotten by man were crawling out of the stygian darkness. Time and space meant nothing, mere constructs of man. And what is man? Nothing, compared to the endless expanse of the Universe.

Suddenly I heard a door slam open behind me. The police had arrived, and I could see my boss behind them.

"There he is! There's the escaped lunatic who's been pretending to be a receptionist and giving people false information!"

They arrested the receptionist, he gave up without a fight. As they dragged him away he began laughing the laugh of the damned. It chilled me to my bones. I could feel my grip on reality returning, but I still had one question.

"Where's the redheaded guy who always says hello?"

LIL' BEEPY PART 1
Written and illustrated by reignofevil

Lil' Beepy was a good little beeper. There wasn't a beep you could imagine that he hadn't long since mastered. He handled bloops. He handled blips. He handled bleedilybeeps. His beep was most assuredly the greatest of all beeps and he knew that for a fact because he was almost always getting beeps back that told him what a good job he was doing! He wasn't precisely sure what it was that was beeping back at him because he couldn't turn around and look in that direction if he tried. It was very very important that he always be looking in exactly the right direction because what direction he was looking and what precisely he was looking at was for the most part everything he had ever needed to beep about.

He had woken up just in time to fly past all the little brown ovals and he had beeped about it. He had gotten a satisfied beep from somewhere in response. He had never gotten one of those before but he knew it meant he was doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing because that was the kind of beep he had received and he was thrilled! He had flown past the big orange sphere and he had beeped about it. He received a very happy return beep after he finished circling that for a few beeps. He had beeped as he passed the smaller blue sphere and even though he had to beep a few different times to get a return beep he had gotten one and his fusion reactor was practically glowing with pride! The beep he had gotten back was definitely a good beep but it was also the kind of beep that told him that he should expect beeps to take a little longer from now on. Lil Beepy didn't want to wait but he was a good little beeper so he would. Eventually he had finished beeping about the smaller blue sphere and he found himself beeping in the direction of what could only be the next thing he had to beep about, the great vast emptiness.

The return beep he had gotten for reporting that one had felt less than stellar but it was still proud that he would beep like he did because beeping is what he was meant to do and so having beeped about it meant that everything was going as planned.

Lil Beepy had learned that he couldn't just beep anytime he wanted. He had to see something to beep! And he didn't see anything! Lil Beepy did not beep again until he finally saw what looked like billions of tiny shimmering light blue chunky things all wrapping around eachother in what appeared to be a very chilly loop of some kind. He beeped like mad! After all it had been an awfully long time since he had gotten to beep about anything and he had started to worry he wouldn't even be able to beep when the time came! This time the return beep was very happy again even if it took a very long time indeed to respond and Lil' Beepy got instructions to look at all kinds of the little light blue chunks and he beeped when he saw very big chunks and he beeped when he saw very small chunks. He beeped for what seemed like so many beeps that he started to wonder if he had finally found the best thing to beep about in all of this gigantic universe of beeps and boops that he found himself in. He discovered that he didn't have to worry at all though because the beep he had gotten just moments ago had told him he was to continue on past the light blue chunks and to see what else he could possibly see out beyond.

Except...Immediately after he received a new beep that told him not to expect to be doing any beeps any time soon at all. That had Lil Beepy upset because he very much loved beeping but he was a good beep and he would do what he was told no matter how he felt about it personally.

So he waited and he traveled and he traveled and he waited but he never saw anything that he could beep about. Lil' Beepy wasn't just unhappy by this point he was utterly miserable! It took its toll on Lil Beepy and before long he found himself wondering what he had done wrong to deserve this. He had loved beeping and he believed that beeping had loved him back! Now he had no love. He was alone. He was depressed. He very much wanted to beep about it and so eventually his spirits had broken down so badly that he did just that. He let out a low sad beep and kept beeping for a long long time until eventually he felt like even though he was still very very sad he had at least exercised the restlessness in his body and he felt like he could resign himself to doing what he had been told and that he could make it at least a little longer without having anything to beep about.

That's when suddenly everything changed. Lil' Beepy felt something he had never ever felt before. He felt a beep but it wasn't the kind of beep he was used to. And it wasn't coming from the direction he had come to expect these beeps to come from. He wondered if he should beep about it but he had been told only to beep if he saw something and he hadn't seen anything! He didn't know what to do he had never been given any beeps about this! He mulled over this state of affairs with great worry and confusion. He didn't want to get in trouble for beeping out of turn, he had risked that enough already and it hadn't even been long enough that he would have been expecting a return beep admonishing him for beeping when he shouldn't have earlier from behind himself. Lil' Beepy resolved to wait for further instructions or until he saw something. It wasn't long however before eventually Lil Beepy saw something he had never seen before and he beeped like he had never beeped before! It was a kind of oscillating BWEEWOOO BWEEEWOO BWEEWOO that had emerged from his beeper and he wondered very much what it could mean.

He also wondered what the large black triangle he was being sucked inside of meant also. He didn't know what to expect but he sure knew how he was going to handle it!

Banshee and Baroness
Written by EVERY TIME GOING

"Sorry to get you early out of bed gentlemen, but we've received tentative reports that there's a good chance that the Banshee will strike the Baron's castle tonight. Our sources in the clandestine guilds are unable to tell us exactly what valuables she's after this time, but the Baron is not taking any chances and is adopting a five-fold increase in the general security presence throughout His Lordship's castle. We're currently in contact with the Broken Toe mercenaries to assist us in the running of steady patrols and an increase in guard checkpoints across the both internal and external perimeters of the castle."

The three guard sergeants standing at attention in the hallway instinctively flinched in synchrony upon hearing the name 'Banshee' escape out the captain's mustached blasphemous mouth. The more-rotund sergeant tried to bring his hand over to the sword hilt hanging on the other side, to highlight his understanding of the seriousness of the situation, but was unable to reach it. Following a brief and awkward pause, the captain continued with a markedly disdained face.

"I'm sure you all agree with the Baron's decision that such expenses are necessary in these cases, even if to act on unconfirmed information as you've all heard the tall tales of this prominent thief named Banshee. Born into a long bloodline of professional thieves and trained from young age to work and eventually run one of the foremost guilds, they cemented their infamy early on with..." the captain cleared his throat, "awe-inspiring heists. But before they reached any of the guild's diplomatic leadership positions, they mysteriously evaporated from all recorded observations."

The scrawny taller sergeant with an unnaturally gray skin hue brought up his hand to his temples and began to rub them laboriously.

"No one knows the true nature of Banshee's years-long disappearance from the scene spotlight, but the rumors circling their untimely demise were debunked with the recent string of high-profile thefts within the Barons's neighboring counties. The stolen items ranged from platinum ceremonial chalices to costly works of art for which the thieves guild has declined to take all accountability. The law enforcement was initially stumped with the difficulty and professionalism across these robberies, but all of them bear the hallmark of the Banshee. Is something the matter sergeant, stay up too late last night?" the captain addressed the taller sergeant rubbing his temples.

"I'm not feeling too good captain, can't concntghh..." the taller man trailed off slumping towards the dumbfounded captain who caught him by the shoulders. Just then the pudgy sergeant noticed a feathered dart sticking out the back of the unconscious man's neck.

"WALRUS DIIICKS!" a hazy shadow leapt from one of the gold leaf-adorned overheads spandrel beams to another. "COCK ROBIN AND SHIT BURGERS!!"

Stumbling, the third guard sergeant sprinted down the hall past the captain, "It's the Banshee, she is here!"

"Sound the alarm, guards immediately to their posts! Protect the treasury and the royal hall at all costs!" howled the captain while trying to fruitlessly unsheathe his longsword with the toppled man over him.

"FUUUCK! FUCK MY APPLES IN THE FACE!" the castle walls screamed maniacally sending its unarmed inhabitants scrambling under the nearest table and inside the nearest trunk. The cook went mad from the unearthly wails and started stuffing cantaloupes down his pants.

Signal fires were lit around the castle palisade. The mailed guards stood in attack formations around the oaken doors to the vital ingresses, shaking like wind chimes. Nobody dared to breathe - with only the engulfing silence shepherding dust particles across the sun-cleaved lancet windows.

"AHAHAH, HORSE LOVING WHORES! TWENTY PINTS OF PISS FOR THE KING! PISS! PIIISS!!!"

One of the two guards had only begun pissing his pants as a corded bola swung out of the darkness of the staircase wrapping their ankles together. It was followed by a fast moving ash blot which was curiously now gliding along the ceiling - thought one of the tethered guards as his urine poured up his face and into his iron helmet. "Stay here at the treasury you three, the rest of you come upstairs with me - weapons at the ready!" ordered the captain the fat sergeant before bounding up the spiral staircase with an five-man escort, shields and swords banging.

When they finally reached the topmost floor of the castle - the royal chambers, they were greeted by two unconscious and dripping guards swinging upside down from a taut wire in the ceiling. Behind them the oaken door rocked half-open in the breeze letting out the fresh morning. Flanked by this guard detail, the captain circled around the swinging guards and warily shuffled into the room pushing the door open with his sword. The far window behind the mahogany four-poster bed was unlatched and blowing the velvet drapes recklessly.

Among the echoes of the bleating goats "HOT FUCKING BALLS GRAVELY STARING! SHIT FUCKING FUCK! AAAHHHH!!" could be heard somewhere in the distance.

The captain turned his head and looked somberly at the open dresser drawer. The baroness' ruby-encrusted dildo was gone.

The Bloody Day

Written by Mooey Cow

"Okay bye see you tomorrow!" said John and walked home from his girlfriend's house. He had seen her for two hours now and intended to see her at least two more

"Wroooom!" said a bush. It was actually a chainsaw murderer in the bush revving his chainsaw. He jumped out and swung the chainsaw towards John's groin.

"Not so fast!" said a samurai and blocked the chainsaw with his Muramasa demon blade, "I'm a killer samurai and this boy here is my kill!"

"Fools!" said a voice from under a manhole cover. A deadly tube monster crawled out of the sewers and glared and the two arguing killers. "If anyone's going to kill today it's me! The Tube Monster!"

"Now look here" said the chainsaw murderer, "there's enough to go around for us all."

"I don't think so", said a ghost general who had died from being in a war, "because I will shoot him with my ghostly gun and the kill will be all mine!"

"Stop it, all of you!" it was the butthole monster from Japanese mythology which had just arrived, "I haven't killed for ten days, I've been on a boat!"

"Why didn't you kill the crew!" said the tube monster.

"Then how would I get to shore? IDIOT!" said the butthole.

"Heh heh heh!!" said John as his hair cast a shadow on his face so you couldn't see his eyes.

"WHAT!!" said all the monsters.

"I am actually the most dangerous killer in the world. This will be a bloody day. For you!!"

"Oh no!" said the monsters while John suddenly killed them all.

"Heh heh heh!!" said John, "and I don't even really have a girlfriend."

And that day sure was a bloody day.

There's more pulpy goodness where that came from, but you'll either have to wait for issue #2 or sign up now for the SA forums. Then you can not only read more great stories fresh from their authors' brains, you can even contribute your own! Wow!!!

– Ian "BFM" Helm