Atma

Her lips curl into a menacing smile.

"What shall it be?"

Shankel Magnus

> smirk and inform her that you've only been using 10% of your actual power level. Then stand in place and scream as loud as you can for HOURS (or at least until the egg charges back up)

Sonic Dude

> Tell her you want to die from exhaustion after clubbing thousands of baby seals.

Concerned Citizen

> tell her you want to die of old age after a long, satisfying life in the company of your friends and family

NutritiousSnack

> Tell her to come closer and ask the question again, only to go "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT!" followed by a stunner, and a people's elbow

Atma

You beckon the creature closer. She smiles, slowly rising from the water.

She stares directly into your eyes. Her irises are deep and dark like the ocean below. You feel, in another life, you might have fallen in love with her.

As she opens her mouth to speak, you rudely interrupt, shouting "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT!"

Before she can respond, you swiftly kick her in the midsection, bending her over into prime Stunner position.

Her skull cracks against the ice as you land the most powerful Stunner you've ever attempted. Her body writhes and convulses along the ice. Foam spits at the edges of her mouth. What a sell!

You waste no time and take the opportunity to drive your elbow into her disabled form. You leap as high as you can, wanting to deliver as much damage as possible to guarantee that three count.

As you connect, you feel a great release of energy from within her body. You know you've broken her.

The ice cracks beneath the force of your blow, and both of you are plunged into the icy waters.

You manage to disentangle your body from hers and make it to the surface, gasping for air. The water is unbelievably frigid.

Before you can climb back onto the ice, a massive whirlpool forms beneath you. A great force sucks you downward into darkness. As you descend, the woman's laughter echoes all around you. It feels as if her clammy hands are grabbing at your ankles, weighing you down.

You struggle for the surface but make no gains. The dim light of the surface falls further and further from sight. All fades to black.

..........Time Passes..........

You open your eyes. How long have you been asleep? Where are you?

You feel as if you're floating. The darkness around you washes away, and you see your father before you, smiling proudly.

"You're the best of us, Steven," his voice echoes from every direction. "Your job isn't done yet..."

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.

  • DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful