Clan Hell: The Shadow Clan

Website: http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Haven/5818/index.html Violations: 1. Page takes over three hours to load thanks to a shitload of large, unnecessary graphics that are supposed to show off the clan leader's "l33t Photoshop skillz". 3. Website is overly violent or full of hate, revealing some morbid fascination with guns and killing. 5. Clan members have trouble distinguishing between fantasy and reality. 7. Page layout / color scheme burns your retinas and causes brain damage 8. Website looks as if it were written by Jeff K. 10. Site is a tribute to embedded MIDI / sound files. Samples From Website: "I'm the frag fuckin masta" "Out of the darkness came the last dark thing you saw..."

Description:The Shadow Clan is a group that not only scares me due to their strong beliefs that they are indeed doing the world a service by playing Quake, but also have the ability to make the usual Clan Hell pages look like they've been painstakingly crafted by the good people at Colour Me Classy.

There's something odd about people who design these types of clan pages, something that causes them to feel that they are indeed creating a site of graphical quality by simply copying the logo of their game of choice and tiling it over the background of the page. It is not hard to see that the mighty Shadow Clan utilized Geocities' "easy design" feature, as the page is laid out in much the same way that a braindead five year-old child would. Although the page is designed in order to cause as much mental and physical distress on the viewer as possible, the real proof of a clan page is in the content, and this is where the Shadow Clan excels.

It appears as though the clan members feel they are doing us all a favour by playing, and quite possibly winning, Quake. The only favour they would be doing us is if they all sat around in a circle and one by one placed heavy duty vacuum bags over their heads. Here's a large chunk of text that should confirm your beliefs that The Shadow Clan is one "not to be messed with".

"Sorry to tell you guys this, but the clan is closing down. We have gotten very board of Quake 2. So please, no more applications for membership. We really do mean this. We closed the fucking clan down in march of 98. Why the fuck are we STILL getting applications!? GO THE FUCK AWAY!!! I KNOW I SHOULDN'T EVEN BOTHER, BUT'S IT'S FUCKING ANNOYING! GET A LIFE YOU LOSERS! STOP SENDING APPLICATIONS!!! WE DON'T WANT ANYYMORE PEOPLE!! WE CLOSED DOWN. THE CLAN IS NO MORE!!!!! YOU STUPID PEOPLE ARE RETARDS! GET A LIFE! STOP E-MAILING US YOU DUMB *&$)*!!!!

..GOOD LUCK!"

I don't get it. Are they saying they want me to send in more applications to join their clan?

Now, if you're still able to breathe, could you please help me understand some of these genius-like ramblings? Everything starts out real nice like, at this point it appears the members of the clan would be people you'd take home to meet your family. Then things turn ugly and I realized that indeed this was some nasty mofo that I was dealing with. Anyone who can say "fuck" that many times obviously is big, strong, and has the ability to kick the crap out of whoever they please. The fact that I am a "retard!" means I can no longer go on with this review. All I can say is that you shouldn't visit their site because you're fucking annoying them and you need to get a life, so don't visit... please.

PS: They have a midi file on their site of Blur's "Song 2". See, I noticed it! See! HAHAHA, RETARDS! HAHAHA, stupid people!

Link for you to join?: No, didn't you read that you retard?!?

– Tim