Awful Things for Sex!

For the sake of your job, your mental health, and any esteem in which you might be held, I've blurred the images that appear in this article. You can see unedited versions if you click through, but be forewarned that you shouldn't, and if you do, you definitely shouldn't think too hard about who is using these products and for what purpose, unless you're in the mood for sex depression.

Let's start with Pure Nude Yoga. It's a video of women doing yoga, nude. It purports to be some kind of natural, relaxing, instructional video, but of course, it is none of these. 100 people have reviewed Pure Nude Yoga so far, most of them seemingly at peace with their decision to purchase and watch it, though one empathetic viewer noted that "toward the end, [she was] looking distinctly sunburned." I agree with this guy; someone outside without clothes should consider sunscreen! I'm glad someone is watching out for the Pure Nude Yoga Goddess.

There are a gaggle of similar titles, such as Totally Nude Balance Ball Workout and Nude House Cleaning, all with the same theme: Nothing weird here in this video. Just doing normal stuff, most of which involves bending over, without any clothes, and a lot of close-up butt and treasure shots. Natural!

The USB Hole Warmer is a tiny plastic heater, powered by USB, that you stick in the hole of whatever rubber thing you use to soothe yourself. Rather than making a straightforward sales pitch, which would be something like "sometimes you just don't have the emotional strength to get up from your computer chair and stick your dick in the microwave," the Japanese manufacturer claims "You can experience what it's like to be deep inside the world's hottest porn star!" The way you do this is: You warm up your jerkglob, with a USB-powered heater like the kind found inside the vaginas of most porn stars, and then you hot-churn your hog. Cold-churning your hog just isn't something we do in Sex Depression Land.

Maybe you don't want to churn your own hog at all. Maybe you want to churn a horse-hog, and that's where the Trojan Horse Dildo comes into your life! It's meant to simulate the experience of going nuts on a powerful creature's humongous knob, and is existentially stressful, as beastiality can often be for those of us who don't approve of non-consensual acts.

"Moby's Dick" is somewhat lighter fare by comparison, both in size and in psychological burden. It's not likely that anyone's out at a whale farm trying to fuck a whale or pull on his weird-ass whale hog, whereas it's very likely that this product only exists because nobody can resist the name Moby's Dick.

The Original Accommodator is based on a human model, instead of an animal. At least that. But it's still a dildo attached to a head-strap. It's called The Original Accomodator to distinguish itself from The Accommodator, which is also a dildo attached to a strap, except this one straps onto your own hog. Maybe you can strap The Accommodator onto Moby's Dick. The world is yours, dildostrapper!

I've included this final item, Horny Ghost Of Osama Bin Laden, as a way to lift you the readers out of full-fledged sex depression. It's an erotic novel where the dead terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden increases his ghost-power by boning American women. It's ridiculous, of course, yet it's quite possibly more plausible than someone watching Pure Nude Yoga because they want to learn how to do yoga.

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)