Pretty Products for Modern Women!

Women make up half of the population and account for more than half of the dollars spent in the domestic and global economies. With this in mind, marketers carefully consider women's shopping and spending patterns, then respond with products that cater to the unique needs of haha just kidding, women want normal things but in pretty colors, and also weird stuff for their treasure-holes.

As we all know, "camel-toe" is an extremely important societal problem. Typically, fashion is based around a small size (US women's 2-4) which is then scaled up. The average clothing size of an adult woman in the US is 14, so it's inevitable that pants and shorts would be ill-fitting, considering they were conceived as something for a much smaller person to wear. The obvious answer would be for clothing designers to take real women's bodies into account. But that's not the solution the invisible hand of the free market has offered! That invisible hand is holding out a Cuchini (above.) Or a Camel-Not. Or CamelAmmo Waging War On The Front Lines (that's the full title of the product.)

Despite the fact that most families need two incomes to stay afloat, which is why females must leave the house and risk offending everybody with the camel-toe scourge, women still typically do the bulk of the housework in 2014. So it's good that simple household repair work can be done with this pink gun screwdriver. It's pink because it's for women, of course. And it's a gun, because this is America.

(Intrepid shooters who need more than a screwdriver gun can get a pink stock for their real, actual rifle, but it'll set you back twice as much the screwdriver.)

So, ladies, once you've got your crotch-protector in your pants and your screwdriver gun charged and ready to go, you can hit the town for a round of drinks. But savvy shoppers don't pay $9 for a cocktail when they can sip Skinnygirl out of a tampon! Tampon storage: Not just for prison cigarettes anymore!

And after you get liquored up, how about some writing? No, put your pink laptop away, and close the vajazzled pink case on your iPad. You've got pastel pens... FOR HER! Being a woman, you've probably noticed that a regular pen is hard to use, but the pastel colors of Bic For Her will make your writing flow onto the page like a period story in YM: 'I was at the mall, and ink went everywhere!' Thanks, Bic!

But back to the treasure-hole. If you have "hair down there," as the manufacturer coyly puts it, you're going to need to dye it a funky color, and then shave your bush into a dollar-sign with a pube stencil. But blue pubes are just the start of a modern woman's vaginal color-coordination routine! To enhance your natural treasure-beauty, you'll also need My Pink Button, a pink dye for your labia. The manufacturer helpfully notes that it wasn't tested on animals, meaning that you can live your life knowing that it was never someone's job to dye a monkey's USB port and check it for a rash.

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)