Pocket Products!

All of us need pockets. We've got stuff to carry: Phone, phone charger, charger cable, extra battery, maybe cards or something. But life only gives us bags, purses, pants pockets, coats, and jackets. Where the fuck do you put your phone if you only have those choices? Time to pocket up, friends!

Cargo shorts? Cargo pants? Nah, son. Fuck a pair of pants. Cargo leggings. They give you the support you need and the comfort you crave, plus big bags on the side to hold life's accessories.

"I'm a man and I can't wear cargo leggings!" First of all, that's not true. You can wear whatever you want. But I get what you're saying, and here's my answer: Sock pocket. Zip your great shit into your socks. They'll never find it. Well, I guess that depends on your definition of "they." Cops would definitely find it, and take it, and keep it even if they let you go. Civil sockpocket forfeiture.

"I'm a man and I can't ... won't wear cargo leggings, and also I think it's gross to store things in a sweaty sock, got any other options?" Sure, not a problem. Just throw your shit in a Sholdit! It's a scarf, but kind of a loop, and it also holds stuff around your neck. Close to your neck. Someone tries to rob you, show 'em you got no pockets, turn out your empty bag, hand over your belt, and they won't take a dime!

Actually, if you've got a Money Belt, all your money's in your belt. Don't hand that over. But, they probably wouldn't want to take it anyway. You never expect a belt to hold a bunch of cool shit. Just some pants that are too big for your body. If they fit, you wouldn't need a belt. It's like an automatic sign of "I swear I don't have any money." If you did, your pants would stay up.

Will your "Smuggling Duds" boxer-briefs-with-pocket keep your shit safe? No, but an underwear that stores condoms and fancily-printed foreign money is a lifestyle upgrade for all but the most nicely-underweared of us. Could you put your phone in there? Yes, if it's a small one, and not the huge iPhone 6+ 128GB that some of us have. Not bragging, just saying that my phone is too big, and has too much of a Retina screen to fit. You want to know where I keep that bad boy?

Dream Helmet. That's where I keep my iPhone 6+ 128GB (not bragging). Also keeps the light out. Also blocks sounds. Also lets me sleep in a public place, and if anyone tries to take my iPhone 6+ 128GB from my sleeping body, I know immediately. The head is the most sensitive organ, so it alerts you faster than any other area.

But maybe you can't wear your Dream Helmet to work, or to the store, because you can't see and all your good pocket stuff is bandaged onto your head. No worry. Temporary pockets to the rescue! Stick them anywhere you like. Temporarily. So they might fall off. But that's life. Nothing lasts forever, and even the best consumer good is like spinning a roulette wheel. You hit double-zero eventually. The house always wins.

Okay, the house ALMOST always wins.

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)