Phone Products!

Has the mobile-computing revolution freed us from the cycle of consumption? YES! Now, instead of buying garbage to cheer us up about having to spend long hours isolated from our family and friends, we can keep in touch with them throughout the day, reinforcing the bonds with those who truly matter to us and fulfill our lives. Haha, just kidding, now we need to buy shit for our phones too.

For example, iPhone underwear. Just like real underwear, iPhone underwear protects your buttons and holes from button problems and hole problems. You need it, because there's no telling what would try to get in that hole otherwise. Just because a cable has a 5-pin Lightning plug on the end doesn't mean you want it interfacing with your hole!

What should you do when a rogue cable tries to charge your battery-draining pocket-computer? You brass-knuckle that white snake, with your brass-knuckle case! Never mind the shards of phone glass that will slice your hand and arm as you punch with the knuckles. That's an iPhone 4 in there anyway, which will be worth somewhere between a half-dollar and a Jolly Rancher by the time you read this.

By contrast, if you've got the iPhone 5, which is currently the newest Apple phone, but won't be if you read this later in the year, you'll need a luxurious case to showcase your latest-gen phone tech. Enter the Dima Clarity, a $12,000 iPhone 5 case that surrounds your Twitter rectangle with titanium and real diamonds, dug up by real impoverished people, in real diamond mines. (At least it's not a $17,000 diamond-studded baby pacifier.)

Enough with all this unnecessary stuff, though! There are also good and useful accessories for your phone, like this phone that your phone fits inside of, so you can use it as a phone. Reviews note that the volume is low and it doesn't work well or sound good, but what do you expect? You want your pocket porn-viewer to be a phone? That's just ridiculous.

Now we're talking business! Hang that albatross 'round your neck for some hands-free iPhoning. It stays tucked up under your chin so you have to take it off to use it. Handy.

That phone lanyard's not just for the office! It's also for the gym, if the gym is the place you want a $400 glass trinket to bounce off your sweaty bod while you suplex some dumbbell pulls, or underset some glute rows. Whatever it is you do in your gym, your phone is now your constant companion.

Kids love iPhones too! They're great for games, deleting Mom's work email, or Tweeting high scores on Dad's deep-irony Twitter persona. But now they can plug that sucker into a tank-robot, and with a few quick commands, send it down the stairs to become the latest indignity you must suffer as a parent.

At this point, it's time to break out the iPhone flask. No, not something you attach to your cracked and destroyed phone. It's a flask shaped and colored to look like an iPhone. If you can get past people wondering why you're tipping your phone up to your mouth, it is, perhaps, the only phone accessory you really need.

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)