Make Yourself Pope: An Online Kit!

Pope Francis, sovereign of the Vatican Holy See and absolute authority of the Catholic Church, has inspired believers and non-believers alike. Who wouldn't like hearing his lilting speeches that reassure us that "plants go to Heaven, too" or that "a junkyard is a Heaven for cars"? In fact, he's inspired me so much that I became pope -- and you can too! Let me show you just how easy it is.

The first thing you'll need are altar cards. These will help you say things like that heaven stuff from the intro ("after Halloween, all of the masks go to Heaven"), but in Latin, and that's basically the coolest language. First of all, it's dead, which makes it brutal, and then when you say it, you usually hum in a weird voice. It's a lot like metal, but without all the face paint.

Then you'll need a cross to hang on the wall. This one is pretty good because it's old, and it shows you care about tradition. "That's for a boat," you might think, and that's when I'd say no, because it's made of wood, which would melt if you put it in water.

This is like a jar thing that you put your crackers in. A lot of my friends think "crackers are baby food." Well, guess what? It's not baby food, it's a brutally metal consecration of the body of a dead guy who respawned, so it's actually more cool than you, Travis.

Here's another bad-ass bowl that you use for holy water, which is water that you put pope energy into, and then you spray it on people. Church is like a Gwar concert, because you have to get ready to get wet before you crack open the big doors and head inside.

Speaking of Gwar, this thing is called a monstrance! Like Monster Energy Drinks, except instead of getting energy from green liquid or taurine, you get it from putting the dead-body crackers in there and chanting and carrying it around, which is sick as hell. There are other ones that are more intense, but we've got to save a little money for the other stuff.

God is the ultimate leader of the church, but he mostly only talks to the Pope (that's you), so this poster is a good way to learn all of his names. I was a little scared to post this because I heard something once that's like if you say the true name of God, you'll turn to stone. So don't repeat any of the stuff on here (some of them are just like scribbles anyway so you'll probably be safe).

This is a Pope Safe and you put your weed and pipes in there so the pigs can't mess with them without a warrant.

And, of course, you'll need a complete pope-robe costume set, because if you rock your Minecraft shirt inside the cathedral, no one will respect you. But if you throw on a completely ill vestment and start saying that Latin shit with the dead body parts all around, you'll get respect for sure! "All gamers go to heaven." Say whatever you want, you're the goddamned pope now.

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)