Welcome to the Manosphere!

Are you not getting the sex acts that you, a male person, deserve in your life? Are you tired of all the women in your life putting you in the "friend zone" instead of going crazy on your knob like they should be doing, according to natural order? Are you finally ready to take the fabled "red pill" and embrace the hard facts of reality in the modern world? Then, m'lord, I have just the things you need. Step into my sphere ... the Manosphere!

The first thing you'll need is a fedora. This hat is a symbol of sexual readiness, and designates to females that you want "nookie" (man talk for sex or blowing.) Children should, of course, be wearing a children's fedora (above) but the full-grown man can wear a fedora such as this yellow-and-magenta paisley number. The act of wearing an unfashionable or bizarre piece of headwear has a special name in pickup parlance: It's called "peacocking," but you can abbreviate it to "cock" if you're short on time.

Now that you've got your cock in place, it's time to bang. (That's what pickup artists call the act of love.) If you want to learn how to bang, you can buy "Bang." Or you can buy "Day Bang." (That's what pickup artists call daytime banging.) Both of those are written by Roosh V, the apparent fifth-generation master of tricking women into talking to him. My attempts to contact Roosh I through Roosh IV were unsuccessful, likely because they were mired knee-deep in women.

The next step? Marriage, of course! But don't let your HB (pickup slang for Hot Body, i.e. a female human) trick you into a relationship based on mutual respect and equality. You have to keep pickup-artisting her, even in marriage, and that's why you need Alpha Moves For Married Dudes. For example, did you know that you have to dry-hump your wife EVERY day? Not just some days. EVERY day. She won't respect you if you don't do this.

Another rule that Ian Ironwood throws down in Alpha Moves is that you shouldn't ask your wife where she wants to eat. Here's how he suggests you should handle a romantic dinner for two: "I want Golden Corral tonight. I'll meet you there at 7:30. Order me a Coke if you get there first," This kind of take-charge plan-making will, in his words, "make her panties wet." And who could deny that? I think I flooded my knickers with mucus just re-typing his quote.

MISANDRY! That's the word for the imaginary phenomenon of unfair bias against Alpha Men such as the ones we've seen here, and it's the premise of Men On Strike, a book that claims that American society is anti-male. Not only does it claim that mens' lives in 2014 are patently unfair, it also suggests that women's suffrage should be reversed, and that abortion and birth control are unfair because men have no say in whether women use them. It does all this under the banner of "Men's Rights Advocacy," an Internet-based complaint topic that's picked up a small but devoted following in the past few years.

What have we learned today in our orbit of the manosphere? That men's-rights-advocating, fedora-donning, dry-humping, lady-tricking gross dudes are OWED sex by virtue of their existence? YES! That's exactly what we've learned! Onward, my fellow manozens (man citizens!) Onward to the land of alpha nookie! Onward to sexcess (sex success)!!!

Drew Fairweather is the author of three daily sites: The Worst Things for Sale, Toothpaste for Dinner, and Married to the Sea.

– Drew Fairweather (@drewtoothpaste)