T.E.D. N' Leo

T.E.D. N' Leo (1987)

UF Oh No! (USA)

UF Oh Fuck No! (Atlanta)

Certification: Canada:14A

• "T.E.D. N' Leo" was originally an improvised story nine-year old Eric Wellsby made up to postpone his bedtime one night. He realized that the longer he stretched the story, the later his amused parents would put him to sleep. After forty minutes of storytelling, Eric passed out and fell down a flight of stairs, resulting in extensive spinal injuries and his permanent confinement to a wheelchair. His parents, Marcus and Tammy, adopted his story into a script, produced, directed, and starred in this movie as "a tribute to our late son Eric," although he has not yet passed away.
• Director's trademark: Referring to crippled / handicapped people as "the recently departed."
• Disney picked up the rights to "T.E.D. N' Leo" after losing rights to the film "A Very Christmassy Valentine's Day" to rival Vestron Pictures. "T.E.D. N' Leo" ended up grossing more money ($1,387) than "A Very Christmassy Valentine's Day" ($0), after the building containing all reels of "A Very Christmassy Valentine's Day" fell into a sinkhole and Congress declared the area "a violent act of a vengeful god."
• The cave where Leo discovers T.E.D. isn't actually a natural cave, but was, in fact, located inside a secret door in director Marcus Wellsby's basement. Eventually it became a crucial piece of evidence leading to his arrest.
• As filming continued on Marcus Wellsby's grueling 13-day schedule, family relations grew so bitter and intense that his 15-year old daughter Melissa Wellsby repeatedly tried to poison her father by running him over with a 1985 Ford Econoline 350 Mini-Bus drenched in arsenic.
• Director's trademark: Showing a close up of his wife's face with the caption "WIFE" displayed below it, then slowly changing and moving the letters so it spells out "WHORE."
• "T.E.D. the Alien" was composed entirely of vinyl, PVC and latex. It too was used as evidence.
• Tammy Wellsby divorced husband / director Marcus Wellsby on day two of filming, while he slept on a cot inside a Vietnamese convenience store stock room. He learned of the divorce from his brother Ed Wellsby, who happened to "see the divorce papers with a pair of very high powered binoculars" from his home, thirty miles away.
• Director's trademark: Drinking alcohol both on and off camera.
• The tagline "the movie that will keep our family together, I swear to Christ" was eventually dropped for a more family-friendly "the movie that will keep our family together, I promise, praise God." That tagline was dropped as well, replaced with "the movie" until Disney hired a creative director unrelated to the Wellsby family.
• Director's trademark: CG effects consisting of a single green line traveling horizontally while sound effects from "Super Mario Brothers" are heard in the background with screams, breaking dishes, and clear signs of a struggle.
• Marcus Wellsby has not directed a single movie since "T.E.D. N' Leo," although several films and documentaries have been made about him.
• Director's trademark: Repeatedly burning photos of Ed Wellsby.
• Critics walked out during the initial screening, prompting Disney to alter their method of previewing movies to the press, most noticeably by chaining all doors shut until the conclusion of the film.
• "T.E.D. N' Leo" was originally intended to be shown in 3D until director Marcus Wellsby became convinced there "absolutely, without any question whatsoever, is no such 'third dimension'."
• Director's trademark: Character asking "do you see that plate over there?" followed by a close up of a plate.
• During day three of filming, Tammy Wellsby officially reverted her last name to her original, maiden name, "Goldenlight." If a cast or crew member addressed her as "Mrs. Wellsby," she would reply, "Mrs. Wellsby is DEAD. THAT MAN killed her" while pointing to director Marcus Wellsby. To counter her move, Marcus Wellsby announced he had changed his last name to "Goldenlight" as well, therefore nullifying the divorce. When he was informed this was not possible, he announced he had changed his last name to "? Tammy Goldenlight Is a Bitch," so his full name would appear as "Marcus? Tammy Goldenlight Is a Bitch."
• On 11 out of 13 filming days, the production staff forgot to wheel Eric Wellsby from the set overnight. Director Marcus Wellsby claimed it was intentional, used to help him "build character development."
• Director's trademark: Assorted shots of gravestones during wedding sequences.
• Director's trademark: High pitched siren sounds and flashing strobe lights in shots preceding plot points.
• "T.E.D." was apparently an acronym for "Ted the Earth Dude." According to Eric Wellsby's original story, T.E.D. was a human abducted by aliens. As the story progressed, he then became a robotic dinosaur police officer hired to arrest rainbows. Moments before he passed out, T.E.D. had transformed into an acid leprechaun capable of inter dimensional travel. Father / director Marcus Wellsby eventually declared "HE'S A STUPID ALIEN, OKAY?!?" before pushing his son into the garage and turning off the lights so he could "concentrate on writing more better."
• Director's trademark: Actors unable to hold back tears and eventually breaking down weeping while kicking holes through set pieces, even in comedic scenes.
• Melissa Wellsby used this movie as her launching pad into a career of Lifetime Network Original movies, including "Lust and Betrayal and Deceit: The Betsy Farmer Story", "A Town Silenced (By Murder): The Patricia Stewart Murder Story", and "Wet NASCAR Dreams"... (more)

• Factual errors: "Aliens from outer space" technically cannot have been born on Earth and raised in Miami, Florida, no matter what alien race abducts them, brainwashes them, and transforms them into green, catlike creatures with a notepad and hat containing a "PRESS" note card in the brim.
• Continuity: The set for "outer space" is the exact same set used in the White House scene.
• Factual errors: Outer space does not have the same amount of oxygen, gravity, and light as the White House.
• Revealing mistakes: When the Bellsby family brings T.E.D. the Alien home, their living room clearly has four metal walls, a metal ceiling and floor, and a sticker explaining how to lift heavy objects into a U-Haul trailer.
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: During Meric's eulogy, Mark reads a Bible passage stating "ice giants once ruled the world, enslaving all those who feared them, creating armies to battle the wicked Queen Mindflayer in an epic battle throughout time." The Bible has been translated numerous times over the years; it quite possibly could have originally been in there.
• Factual errors: It is nearly impossible to contract Hepatitis B via fax machine transmissions.
• Crew or equipment visible: A shotgun mic can be seen during the alien interrogation sequence. This microphone was not even used in the filming of "T.E.D. N' Leo"; a nearby crew member shooting a commercial for Ralston's "Fruit Islands" cereal placed his boom mic on Eric Wellsby's lap during a smoke break.
• Factual errors: Females do not "transform overnight into vile, evil, lying, devil witches" on their 35th birthday. Many experts on Wikipedia claim the age is much closer to 27.
• Incorrectly regarded as goofs: Several shots of cars giving birth to smaller cars are shown during the scene where T.E.D. is hiding from the government agents inside a used car lot. There are an infinite number of alternate timelines where this could be entirely possible.
• Continuity: An arm can be seen puppeteering T.E.D. in several scenes. However, during the laser battle between T.E.D. and King Moon, the arm is not attached to a torso.
• Errors made by characters (possibly deliberate errors by the filmmakers): Meric Bellsby points to a map and incorrectly refers to New York as "Washington, DC." His father replies by chuckling and remarking "corpses can't read maps" while looking directly into the camera and winking. (more)

Mark Bellsby: This is going to be the greatest, best, most fun Halloween ever! Right Family?
Pammy Bellsby: You're darn right it is! I love you, Marcus! Mark.
Mmelimma Bellsby: And us kids love you too!
Meric Bellsby: My body from the neck down might not work, but my heart sure does, and it loves you so much pop!
Mark Bellsby: Way to put your heart inside your head, you little crippled masterpiece!

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Pammy Bellsby: Did you just hear that sound? It sounded like the sound of an alien... crashing right into our corn field!

[Crashing sound effect, not unlike the sound of a brick being thrown into a sheet of plywood, is heard on the left channel.]

Mark Bellsby: We'd better go investigate! Come on, family! Let our love and curiosity give us the energy to comb the entire area all night, if that's what it takes!
Meric Bellsby: But dad! It's a school night!
Mark Bellsby: Why do you care, it's not like you're going anywhere anyway, wheelie.

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Mark Bellsby: The cute, loveable alien has awoken from his coma!
Pammy Bellsby: He's so beautiful, Markuh- Mark. I wonder what wisdom and knowledge he can share with us!
Mmelimma Bellsby: Wisdom? Knowledge? That's groadie to the max mom! Gag me with a spoon! What I want to know is if Brad will ask me out to the dance next week!
Mark Bellsby: Now honey, you know what I said about that 'Brad' character. He's ten pounds of trouble in a 150 pound bag!
Mmelimma Bellsby: Daaaaaad!!! (Crying) You said you'd never weigh Brad!!! (Runs off set)

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Government Agent 48043: NORAD spotted a suspicious object flying around your home last night. Now you wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?
Mark Bellsby: It was probably my wife. On her broomstick.
[They both laugh]

Government Agent 48043: Mr. Bellsby, we can't go around arresting every woman who's a witch! We'd end up putting the entire female population in prison!
Mark Bellsby: Maybe that's where they belong. At least there they can't sleep around with your deadbeat brother and claim they're just going to a gun show every weekday.

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Rude Grocer: What's all that infernal racket? It sounds like there's an alien in my store! Why I never...!
T.E.D. the Alien: Can't catch me! Can't catch me! (claymation version of himself runs around the store, knocking over cans of peas)
Rude Grocer: You rotten little...! If this wasn't such a bad grocery CENTER, I'd put you in a shopping BASKET for trying to STEAL my produce! I'm gonna sue you and give you a FULL COURT PRESS!
T.E.D. the Alien: Hee hee silly Earthling! You guys don't have any PRIDE at all!
Rude Grocer: (Pratfall, followed by slide whistle and farting sound effect)

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Mark Bellsby: (Visibly drunk) T.E.D.... you've taught me so much about... what it's like to me, um uhrrrrrrrrrr, huuuman.
T.E.D. the Alien: The teacher has become the teachered.

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Government Agent 48043: I can't believe you let that pesky alien escape! Who knows what secrets he could've revealed to us. The secrets of the universe... all gone...
Mark Bellsby: (Visibly drunk) He drank, he drank all my alcohol. I needs some, I needs some more now. Where's he take it all? ON HIS UFO!!!
Government Agent 48043: I'm sorry sir, I'll get you some more alcohol to put on your cuts and open wounds, as well as call for medical attention. I'm sorry that alien attacked you and then murdered your wife.
Mark Bellsby: YES IT WAS THE ALIEN!!!!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)