Disaster Movie

While I'm masochistic enough to accept Awful Movie Reviews as part of my job description, I draw the line at toxic emissions from the "(Blank) Movie" factory. Date Movie cost me years of my life, due to the reckless repression of survival instincts and dangerous corking of natural repulsion required to endure it. These days, I avoid these tragically unfunny spoofs, not only out of self-preservation, but also because my profound desire for the franchise's extinction prohibits me from acquiring a ticket, even in an angry-critic capacity. However, I have no ethical qualms about directing the morbidly curious and the self-flagellatory alike to the Disaster Movie Web site, which communicates the film's disgusting witlessness without contributing to its box-office take.

The opening screen demonstrates how the "(Blank) Movie" writers choose big-target titular concepts (in this case, disaster movies), then supplement the putrid on-topic slapstick with pointless acknowledgments of irrelevant pop-culture phenomena (High School Musical, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Kung Fu Panda, etc.). The site contains an "Amy Winehouse Rehab Game," which could be charitably described as disaster-related, and a mock Enchanted interview, which could be accurately described as incredibly stupid. The trailer simultaneously references Juno, Sex and the City and You Don't Mess with the Zohan, setting a single-scene record in the category "most lame mockeries of movies completely unrelated to a retarded parody's broad premise." If Disaster Movie ends this weekend as the nation's top-grossing film, our civilization deserves whatever meteors Armageddon sees fit to hurl.

This scene looks like it would be too disgusting for a PG-13 film like 'Disaster Movie,' but it's actually just a man in drag sucking the toes of a pregnant teenager's unborn infant.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller