Mr. Weisbart's Website (Thanks, Porny Anime!)

Flash-designed Web sites are a mercifully endangered species, but that won't stop Mr. Craig Weisbart from passing on his expert knowledge of this lost art to a new generation of high school students! NOTE: This is the first ALOD that's actually caused me physical pain, so I advise everyone to don safety goggles before clicking that link.

The first thing you see is his logo, which skillfully combines his initials C and W into a stylized butt. He's obviously very proud of this for some reason. I'm no marketing evangelist, but I don't think it's wise to represent your personal brand with a butt.

When the rest of the site loads, a four-step guide on how to navigate the site pops up. This is always a sign of smart, intuitive design. User-interface studies show people love to be berated about how to look at sites the correct way, with friendly instructions like "DO NOT MOVE MOUSE OR CLICK AGAIN."

Once you close these instructions, you'll see a bunch of panels rotating around the butt logo. Boy, this is truly a revolution in web design!!! According to every sci-fi movie, computers will someday force you to horse around with holographic doo-dads in order to get work done, and this site is like a sneak preview of that horrible future.

Now, you have to be extremely cautious when navigating this part, especially if you use a trackpad. Remember, Mr. Weisbart said "DO NOT MOVE MOUSE," and it turns out he really meant it. I accidentally nudged my cursor away from the panels, and this made them start rotating around at hyperspeed, transitioning wildly from panel to panel until they all kinda merged together in the same spot. When I clicked on it, one of the panels slowly expanded, except the text was all backward and unreadable because it was turned around, another great design choice from the Craigster.

Oh, and while this was happening, the butt logo kept flickering on and off and it almost gave me a seizure. I stared at this for a while in total disbelief, and then I had to go lie down to keep my retinas from burning.

This is what it looks like if you disobey the DO NOT MOVE MOUSE directive, except everything is spinning and flashing.

But fear not, dear reader, for I managed to return to Mr. Weisbart's website. This time I was extra-super careful about heeding his warnings, and I managed to avoid triggering the pointless rotating kiosk that gives you eye cancer. However, even when you click on a panel the right way and it expands so you can read it, it continues to move. Yeah, that isn't annoying at all.

The word cards list the topics you'll learn about in Mr. Weisbart's class, which I really hope isn't in lieu of a paper syllabus. The rest of the cards are, I presume, examples of the artwork his students have made. Even though you can't really get a good look at them because everything's spinning, they still look way better than their teacher's monstrosity.

– Adam "rubber cat" Jameson (@robbercat)