The Cape's Submit Your Villain Contest

The creators of The Cape weren't distinguished by their creativity, as evidenced by their decision to write a story about a man who becomes a superhero after acquiring a magical cape and call this character The Cape. Also, the show's primary villain, Chess, had no significant features other than cat-eye contact lenses and chess-related quips such as "checkmate" and "your move." As for its secondary threat, well, "terrorist zombies? now that's a bad combination!" (said by a dwarf). Perhaps they should have started their "Submit Your Villain" contest before the show aired, but then, with foresight like that, maybe the show wouldn't have gotten canceled after less than half a season.

So, The Cape is gone. But you can still watch all ten entrancingly stupid episodes on NBC's site. More importantly, though, you can check out the Top 50 reader-submitted villains, a fascinating glimpse into the minds of viewers who unironically enjoyed this program and wanted to be a part of it. Literally every drawing and description here is fucking hilarious. I can only include so many here, but find some time to scroll through the rest; it'll make your day!

While composing his symphony, ALD’RIC Bellamont accidentally discovered the frequency that controls birds of the sky, although developing a certain madness in the process. (submitted by "captainbirdz")

DIRGE: Geoff Gordon, the brooding lead singer of Mental Problem, is actually a master of using music to manipulate emotions, thus giving him control over his listeners. His favorite emotions to induce are despair, depression, and fear.

JACKRABBIT: Known to bring easter baskets to sick kids, then smash the town hall afterwards.

BLACK SCAR: Whenever she speaks of traps and blades, she gets overly seductive to almost causing pleasure among those who hear.

Volts is an electrical engineer who is the master of all things electrical. He is known to brandish an electrical prod, a stun gun, and a power cord that serves as his lasso.

CUTS: He feels no emotion and feels no pain. He kills because he is told to do so by someone mysterious and unknown. He is a master assassin and has no idea why or how. He cuts himself to feel a connection; it eludes him still.

Fable is an older, dapper gentleman who prefers the finer things in life; however, he has a bit of a temper, but only in relation to people's manners, specifically their treatment of others and their speech. Fable is a professor of literature, obsessed with fairy tales and fables. As such, he tends to commit crimes based on fables and fairy tales, preferring crimes in which someone is taught a lesson. Fable is a stickler for proper speech. He cannot stand the misuse of words, nor can he suffer others to use incorrect adjectives, pronouns, or parts of speech. While Fable possesses no powers, he carries with him a mahogany cane topped with a gold fox to remind him of his favorite fable. The cane itself is hollow and hides a sinister blade that Fable uses when he needs to teach someone a lesson. Of course, when his back is to the wall, Fable resorts to some of the trickster fables of old.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller