Buffo The Clown (Thanks, Grand Prize Winner!)

Any aspiring clown hoping to make it in today's clown-eat-clown world better demonstrate an impressive assortment of skills. Kids are too busy with their "apps" and "texting" to put down their phones for just any costumed distraction, and their parents want the most value for their entertainment dollar. Sorry, friend, but balloon animals just aren't going to cut it anymore. Gifted with brains as well as brawn, Buffo the Clown developed his distinguishing gimmick more than a decade ago, and he's still going strong!

For those of you meeting Buffo for the first time, let him greet you in his surprisingly high voice. Once a major-league baseball player, he has since dedicated his life to adding "a whole new dimension to clowning." Is Buffo truly the world's strongest clown? I guess we'll just take his word for it, because I don't think there are any global muscleclown competitions anywhere but my dreams.

The photo gallery, which guest stars Buffo's faithful dog Jake, is both incredible and a bit disconcerting. How many children have been traumatized by the bulging biceps of Buffo?

It's not all beefcake and red noses, mind you. Buffo is the ultimate renaissance clown, boasting more talents than an entire circus. Just look at this helpful chart. Can an ordinary man rip a phonebook in half? Nope, and that's freaking pathetic if you ask me. Ordinary clowns can do magic, sure, but can they ride a buffalo? Eat fire? Have two big clown trucks and one little clown car? Have 7 years of experience teaching blind children? (OK, that one's kind of a cheat.) Do ventriloquism? Do sign language? Walk on broken glass? Lay on a bed of nails?!? Balance a child in a chair on their face?!?!?

Jesus, Buffo is making all the other clowns look like... well, I was going to say clowns but you know what I mean. I'd be wetting my comically oversized pants if I had to compete with that guy.

FYI: Buffo isn't just for kids. He performs a special show at adult parties, featuring fire eating and an "optional surprise ending." Maybe all your wildest muscleclown fantasies really can come true!

– Adam "rubber cat" Jameson (@robbercat)