Melanie Online

Melanie Online, submitted by Slade. Welcome to Melanie Griffith's official website, or as she likes to call it, Avalon. The oh-so lovely Melanie is immortalized in this expansive and horrifyingly overdone website that somehow manages to take beauty and smash it in the face like a drunken husband whose had a little too much to drink and really doesn't need to hear excuses right now. I'm of course talking about the lush site graphics and not Melanie's actual visage. I don't care what she looks like, because I hate her all the same as a result of this bad joke taken ten miles too far and then passed as serious.

Virtually ever dank crevice of this grotto of a page is caped with her mug shot and audio samples of her reading the page titles. The rest of the imagery would be okay in the proper context – such as if the freaking Virgin Mary started a page on her AOL account – but for a crappy actress such as Melanie Griffith, it's just terrible. This is sickening solely on the merit of the amount of over-production. If this is Avalon, then Avalon is a pretentious shithole. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. It also doesn't help that Antonio Banderas is hanging around at every corner giving you menacing blank stares, either.

But it's not all bad. Melanie does give you advice about how to answer the difficult questions in life:

When I have questions in my life I look to my inner conscience for answers. Whether it’s how to portray a character or how to deal with a crisis in my life, I’ve been lucky to be able to find guidance from within. Because it has been such an incredible gift in my life, I would like to pass it on to you…Before you go to bed at night write to your inner self a letter asking for answers to be revealed to you about something that you need help with. What you seek may come to you in a dream, or the answer may develop first subconsciously and then just take place in your conscious life.Below is one letter I use:

Dear Inner Self,
If it is your will, please reveal to me
in a dream tonight the secret of my success
in order to become closer to you.

With love and respect,
-Melanie

Melanie Griffith, I'm not your Inner Self, but I'm going to take a crack at this:

Your success is gained only by the suffering of the movie going public. Get out of the damn spotlight right now because you are a cancer to film and your flaky and fruity belief system is a disgrace to humanity.

-Inner Self
P.S. Stuart Little II is going to suck.
P.P.S. Because of you.

Also, upon loading this site she begs you to sign her guest book. You may do so, BUT IT WILL COST YOU YOUR SOUL. On the plus side you get a free screensaver. BUT IT WILL PROBABLY BE OF HER.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)