Wicca For Newbies

Wicca For Newbies, submitted by Thomas. Want to become a member of the budding and prosperous Wiccan society but you don't know how to wedge your fat ass in? Well look no further, as the Wicca For Newbies site will aid you in your immortal quest to join the wonderful ranks of Wiccalvania, many members of which are heard on "Coast to Coast AM With Art Bell" EVERY day!

Wicca is a deep appreciation and awe in watching the sunrise or sunset, the forest in the light of a glowing moon, a meadow enchanted by the first light of day. It is the morning dew on the petals of a beautiful flower, the gentle caress of a warm summer breeze upon your skin, or the warmth of the summer sun on your face. Wicca is the fall of colorful autumn leaves, and the softness of winter snow. It is light, and shadow and all that lies in between. It is the song of the birds and other creatures of the wild. It is being in the presence of Mother Earths nature and being humbled in reverence. When we are in the temple of the Lord and Lady, we are not prone to the arrogance of human technology as they touch our souls. To be a Witch is to be a healer, a teacher, a seeker, a giver, and a protector of all things. If this path is yours, may you walk it with honor, light and integrity.

What the fuck...? I just thought Wiccans were a bunch of fat, pasty white, ferret-owning art students who listen to goth music and put curses on frathouses and athletic clubs. Oh was I ever wrong! Wicca is the sensual massage of an erotic caterpillar as it careens down a water slide. It is a 90-year old Jewish man using a leaf blower to scatter his trash all over the street. It is the longing touch of a humanoid-shaped pear sports-utility vehicle. It is dark, it is yellow, it is highly flammable, and it does 0 to 60 in under 4.5 seconds. The site also contains handy guides describing how to make your own incense and oils, which will undoubtedly come in handy when trying to cover up the stench of your own flabby, rotting skin. Despite all this incredibly helpful information, I still can't figure out what the hell the title graphic says:

"An it Ham None, Po as ye Grill"?!? What the fuck kind of goofball religion is this nonsense?

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)