Pixie'z Page

Pixie'z Page, submitted by Andy. First off, let me admit that I do not understand the purpose of this Inter-web page and its strange symbols contained within. Perhaps some of you may claim that this makes me unfit to level any kind of criticisms towards this creation, but to that I will respond in the same fashion as I did during my 1976 legal case of "The City of Rochester vs. The Time Traveling Plaguebringer Alien Spore"; namely, I will tell you to "fuck off" while swiping at your chest with a makeshift knife I fashioned from coat hangers and staples. Here is a brief selection of what I believe is text, copied directly from that Inter-web site:

OmG iTs BaRbiE! hehe Since i am making ur payge i jus wanted 2 let u kno that i love u soo much. I am sooo thankful that i have a friend like u who actually cares about me. I am sorry for da horrible things i said that nite. I jus want u 2 kno that no matter wha i said... i love u and i care about u.. I am here for u and i will not let n e thing happen 2 u. I value u sooo much and i would not be happy without u as my friend. I want u 2 know sweetie that i am sooo thankful for ur support wit all my many problems. I kNo wUt Happened before wuz mad f*ked up on my part...but i jus wanted 2 tell u from my heart that I TuRn to U LyKe a fLowEr LeaNiN ToWaRd dA sUn i TuRn 2 U CuZ uR dA oNLy *1* DaT CaN TuRn mE aRoUnD WeN iM uPsiDe DoWn I TuRn To U...... i Hope u kno that u can always turn 2 me and i will do n e thing 2 help u. I love u sooo much sweetie**143233**

I do not believe I know what native language this person writes in, but if I had to hazard a guess, I would probably choose "Jupitarian." This person claims to love an entity named "JOE" and has many colorful animated icons which present a total package that is both pleasing to the eye and to the computerized viewing tool. For example, while viewing this Inter-web site in my luxurious officespace located in downtown Big City, USA (my "real" office location is kept as a secret, in order to deter the prying eye of government officials and their trained knife-bearing assault Dalmatians), I had many clients express their content with this site by falling out of their chair and allowing blood to flow freely from the various orifices in their face. In many Chinese towns in China, this is considered the greatest compliment and may quickly earn you the hand of marriage to the town elder's most nubile daughter or pig! If I were you, I would choose the pig, as bacon from a pig tastes much better than bacon from an elder daughter! Trust me, lustful reader, as I speak from experience! Now back to the Fortress of Solitude with me, as I plan tomorrow's legal defense maneuver, most of which involves nipple tassels and a laser show that eclipses all previous laser shows and / or monster truck rallies! Tah Tah!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)