Tex Bernhardt's Vampire Hunter Webpage

Tex Bernhardt's Vampire Hunter Webpage, submitted by Steve. And to believe that all you clownboats out there actually thought vampires were fictional creatures. A POX UPON YOU! "Famous" Tex Bernhardt has been hunting vampires ever since... well... ever since he had the stroke and smashed his skull against the coffee table, I guess. Tex details his encounters with blood-sucking monsters from across the globe on this site, and I'm not just referring to Sam Jain either.

During the past 25 years I have made it my profession to track down and eliminate as many vampires I could find. Finding the first one was the hardest after he had killed my best friend. This was in Jackson, Mississippi many years ago. At first I thought I was wrong. The vampire appeared as a beautiful and sexual woman of the age 23. Most of her victims simply disappeared off the face of the earth. To be buried or burned or whatever she did with the remains. His remains were one of the few that were found along side the Ross Barnett Lake. There was two deep puncture wounds on his neck. I had three physicians come to the Funeral Home to view the body. All the conclusions were that these wounds were from some kind of animal. Torn skin, deep incisor teeth marks, and a body left with less than 10% of the normal amount of blood. She had sucked his blood dry and left him dead. But whatever, one day he was here, and then he was gone.The meal of a thirsty vampire who didn't care if anyone knew she was using Jackson as her feeding ground.

I think I speak for the entire world's populace when I say, "you go, girl." I for one despise vampires and am sick to death of the bastards. They cut in front of me in line at the 7-11, they drive like maniacs, and they offer to "suck me off" for only $20 bucks on Sunset Strip. Actually, I don't think the last group of people are vampires, but it does bring up a critical element to this webpage: sucking.

Maybe it is they who fly around in UFO's and been identified as "shooting stars" even in our own Bible.

Yeah, ha ha, maybe! And also, maybe every time I take a piss, I see the Virgin Mary staring back at me from the toilet bowl! Keep running around and driving stakes through peoples' hearts, Tex. Hopefully one day this will all pay off and you'll get a jail cell all to yourself.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)