Christian 4x4 Magazine

Christian 4x4 Magazine, submitted by .Vroom, vroom! Jesus and his RAD hot-rod takes the lead! Praise The Lord!Love God? Love off-roading 4x4's? Love your 8th grade education and lack of personal hygiene? If you answered yes to all of these questions, you're probably the founder of Christian 4x4 Magazine!

Remember, taking your 4X4 off-roading is one of the greatest outdoor pleasures there is, but it is nothing in comparison to having a personal relationship with the God of the universe. No matter how great the weekend, you know at some point you have to come back to reality. When Jesus lives in your heart, the adventure never ends! Written by Pastor Larry Maib

While I suppose 4x4 off-roading is a great "outdoor pleasure" when compared to having a grizzly bear tear out your intestines and use them to drag you back to its den, I wouldn't exactly compare it to, say, watching some wacko priest careening through the woods on a souped-up jeep while yammering on and on to his invisible friend, Jesus Christ, as he sails off a cliff and plummets five hundred feet to his death. I'd say that's a far greater outdoor pleasure, but that's just me. Plus, I refuse to let Jesus live rent-free in my heart. Friggin' freeloader.

I picture the guy who runs this site as a Ned Flanders wannabe who somehow got a brain donation from your average, stereotypical, southern hick. One paragraph he's yapping about how God makes life peachy keen, in the next one he claims that prayer (and a Toyota roll cage) saved him during a scary accident, and then finally he wraps up the whole diatribe with a hearty "we all look forward to thrashin' our junk in his little piece of the desert again soon." What the?! That's the most obscure gay sexual euphemism I've ever seen!

I must admit that this site loses its focus in spots. Some articles contain boring descriptions of suspension levels and terrain conditions, with only a small helping of God-worshipping, usually in the form of "Thank the Lord for (insert the name of a 4x4 part)." Oh well, it's still chock-full of liberal Christian morals. I'm no Bible scholar, but I'm pretty sure Jesus never said "4x4's are the bomb, so go forth and trash hearty" in any of his teachings. But then again, I'm also pretty sure he never said "Don't start a Christian orgy sex club," so if you're thinking of doing something along those lines, you can do so and still be guaranteed your place in heaven. Trust me.

There is a God-shaped vacuum in everyone's life, and most people never really find how to permanently fill that void because they are constantly looking to temporary pleasures.

I fill that vacuum with popcorn, potato chips, Oreos, and whatever else I can cram into my face. Then I use the God-vacuum-sucker to clean the crumbs off the floor. So I'd say that I found a better solution, when compared to your lame R.C. Pro Am hobby. Wouldn't you? Praise be hail God's halo power!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)