Spirit of Prophecy, The Second Coming of Christ

Spirit of Prophecy, The Second Coming of Christ, submitted by SymGeosis. Okay folks, I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that Jesus Christ has returned from his summer home in Heaven and is ready to start kicking asses and taking names and chewing bubblegum and bathing the dog. The bad news is that virtually everything in this universe has been corrupted by the devil, and according to the website's author, there's roughly only one person going to Heaven and that person ain't you, chump.

Let's take a look at Dore Williamson's exciting section entitled "Exposing the Satanic Government," where the author dares to tread on the dangerous soil of truth, pointing out facts that none of us can possibly deny. I mean, just look at this amazing collection of airtight evidence:

EVIDENCE:
1) In 1994, Dore was watching the news on TV.
2) Dore heard "a highly unusual sound."
3) This sound was obviously missiles being launched from underneath the Pacific Ocean.
4) Satan then appeared in front of Dore (and in front of the TV I assume) and claimed America was attacking China.
5) Dore immediately got up and began writing a letter to Congress, complaining about how President Bill Clinton "was pure evil and a devil incarnate." Please note that Dore did NOT complain about Satan teleporting in front of the TV for no readily available reason. On the grand scale of things, "Devil teleporting into house during prime time television shows" ranks in importance below "jerk President."
6) Two weeks later, a UFO hovers outside Dore's window and aliens spend a good portion of the night manually shaking her bed.
7) This UFO, as you can obviously conclude, was manufactured by the US Government with the sole purpose to annoy webmasters.
8) The next day Dore receives a phone call where somebody makes fun of her and hangs up.
9) Dore is kept under tight surveillance for the next two weeks as "men in suits, driving beat up vans" pass by her house.

CONCLUSION:
"This only enhanced my faith of what I knew to be true. That America was the home of the beast."

Well, you know, it all makes sense to me. Satan naturally made a pact with Bill Clinton to make America the evil tyrannical ruler and oppressor of the free world, in exchange for letting him travel through television cables like Mitch Pileggi in "Shocker," only less bald. Satan's high tech television traveling technology gave the US Government the tools they needed to finally construct a fleet of webmaster bedroom-shaking UFOs, which are stored under the Pacific Ocean and only come out when the news is on so they can fly to China and shake webmaster bedrooms there. Once the government discovered Dore was onto their tricks and was threatening to expose their sinister master plan, they reacted by sending guys to repeatedly drive used cars past her house for two weeks of a nightmarish, hellish torture that nobody should have to endure.

Does that sound right or am I reading things wrong here?

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)