The Sedalia Times

The Sedalia Times, submitted by CORPCLONE. I've driven through the tiny town of Sedalia many times, and I've often remarked to myself that the best thing about this small outpost of civilization was the feeling of tremendous personal accomplishment that coursed through my body once I left it. There are only two good things about Sedalia and I don't know what either of them are. "The Sedalia Times" exposes the deep, dark secrets of this quiet little town, shedding light on some of the most sinister conspiracies this side of a Dean Koontz novel. Unfortunately I can't quite explain what all these terrible plots are, as my ability to read sentences written in all capital letters was stolen from me during World War II, but I can ascertain that there are a boatload of horrific things - horrendously horrific things - happening in this sleepy midnight burgh and we should probably avoid it at all costs.

WE WANT ALL OF YOU SEPTAGON CONSTRUCTION CARTEL S.E.E.K. SCAM ARTISTS TO KNOW RIGHT NOW THAT "WE WILL HOLD TOWN HALL MEETINGS AND DO A DOOR TO DOOR CAMPAIGN LIKE SEDALIA HAS NEVER SEEN BEFORE, AND WE WILL DEFEAT YOUR "ORGANIZED CRIME AND RACKETEERING TAX INCREASE SCAM"! WE HOPE ALL OF YOU DISCUSS THIS BEFORE MONDAY NIGHT'S "SEDALIA 200 MOB GATHERING"!

It's Big Time Drug Dealer-Addict-Stolen Goods Fence-Asst. County Prosecutor-Fired City Prosecutor Bill "Green Teeth" Chapman and his wife Beverly Lowery WHO WAS FIRED AS A STATE PROBATION AND PAROLE OFFICER FOR FORCING CLIENTS TO DO ILLEGAL DRUG WITH HER AND HAVE SEX WITH HER IN HER OFFICE AND AT HER HOME WHICH ENDANGERED THE LIVES OF HER OWN CHILDREN! AFTER BEING FIRED BY THE STATE AND MARRYING CHAPMAN THE COUNTY PROSECUTOR" DRUGLORD JEFF MITTELHAUSER" HIRED LOWERY HIS ASSISTANT PROSECUTOR'S NEW WIFE AS PETTIS COUNTY VICTIM'S ADVOCATE! AT LEAST $167,000 IS MISSING FROM THAT OFFICE SINCE SHE TOOK OFFICE!

CHAPMAN WAS NOT ALONE IS HIS CRIMINAL QUEST TO TAKE EVERY PENNY GREG AND JOYCE HAD. ONE DAY AFTER BILL CHAPMAN FORCED GREG TO BRING HIM $25,000.00 IN CASH OR HE WOULD PUT JOYCE IN PRISON FOR 25 YEARS,CHAPMAN DIDN'T RELEASE JOYCE AS PROMISED, HE CALLED GARY STARKE AND GARY AND JIM FAIRFAX PICKED JOYCE UP AND TOOK HER TO THE PETTIS COUNTY JAIL. GREG STOPPED DON WALDREP ( IN TEARS) AS DON WAS LEAVING THE COUNTY COMMISSIONER'S CHAMBERS, AND BEGGED DON TO HELP HIM.

GREG TOLD DON THAT HE HAD JUST GIVEN CHAPMAN $25,000 IN CASH TO RELEASE JOYCE AND THAT CHAPMAN BROKE HIS PROMISE AND GAVE HER TO STARKE AND JIM FAIRFAX AND THAT THEY WERE THREATENING TO PUT JOYCE AWAY FOR 25 TO LIFE IF GREG DIDN'T SIGN OVER HIS BEAUTIFUL HOME TO THEM! GREG AND JOYCE LIVED IN A BEAUTIFUL $135,000 BRICK HOME WITH AN IN GROUND POOL AT 3101 CLARENDON ROAD.

Oh no! This is all so alarming that I don't even know where to begin! I guess I'll begin by refusing to ever, ever, ever drive through this shithole town unless except under the threat of immediate physical harm. Thank you very much for your cutting-edge journalism, gents!

PS: I just found this paragraph, it is my favorite so far:

Sedalia students have a 79% perfect attendance rate until they turn 16 and then it drops to 11%! That's because they have to miss school on Wednesdays to go pay dopehead Chapman to keep their driving privledges! When they can't afford to pay anymore, he makes them sell dope or go on his gang's stealing trips to Dillards and The Jones Stores and bring him back the Tommy Hilfiger and Guess and Nike products they teal to pay off their fines! Guess where all that stolen merchandise ends up? In a children's store ! There's a whole warehouse full of it!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)