Seraded

Seraded, submitted by Geddy Lee.Once in a great while, a band comes along that revolutionizes the music industry. Bands like The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and Black Sabbath not only changed music, but also the world. Seraded is not one of those bands. In fact, they are quite possibly the worst band ever created in the history of the universe, which is like 15 billion years old or something.

Sure they're young, but that doesn't make it ok. You can be tried as an adult at the age of 13 in most states. All of these dark bratlings should be charged with "felonious use of an instrument to cause mental duress and bodily harm" in the first degree. Their website looks like a doom map with downs, and some of the backgrounds are so horrendous that it's impossible to read the rambling text that probably contains the meaning of life. Since there is way too much to make fun of on this site, let's just pick a song and take a deeper look.

The musical piece "Eat That Shit" seems like a prime candidate. Download the MP3 of this song and sing along using the lyrics provided below:

As you stand there amazed!
You feel the bass shaking the ground underneath your feet!
Amplifying the perfect beat!
You stand there and listen every word we say and ever note we play
You better eat that shit I put in front of you
chew well and digest
let the music become a part of you
feel it thumping in your chest
Let the music become a part of you
It makes you feel better than you usually do
Let the music become a part of you
And force you to do shit you normally wouldn't do
We're defining the limits of metal 2x
Bruises on my arms
blood on my face
proof that life is full of grace
I love the pain
I love the hate rising up in me
I love to feel the adrenaline rush to my head
I love to take the hate, pain, anger and PUSH!!
We feed this shit to you
You love it don't you?!?
Feel the hate rising up in you
Feel the rush
Feel the pain
Feel your gain!!!

Actually the words don't matter because all you can hear is a drum being randomly beat by a child with ADD and horribly distorted growls that sound like a broken vacuum cleaner full of oatmeal that's underwater. So what is the meaning of "Eat That Shit"? What's it all about? Here's what Seraded has to say about it:

This song is about all the energy that comes with playing music. It is also about how the fans admire a certain band and are obsessed with them. It also tells about what people do with the energy in the music and how they act different when under the influence of music. The last verse is totally dedicated to mosh pits and how it helps you get over everything in your life and at the same time get into the music

That just blew my mind. I totally get it. I know that whenever I have a personal problem, kicking people in the face always helps me as well. Maybe I'm being a little too rough on Seraded. Maybe they're just some confused kids who are trying to make it to the big city. Maybe I should stop making fun of somebody else's work of art, even if it's not my cup of tea. Maybe there is hope for Seraded at the end of the tunnel, and they will become heavy metal superstars.

No, they fucking suck.

– Reid "Frolixo" Paskiewicz