Denise's Pieces

Denise's Pieces, submitted by Denise M. Clark. ADDED DISCLAIMER: DO NOT SPAM THE E-MAIL OR SITE OF DENISE M. CLARK!!! You'll understand why by the end of this. This fucking cunt is near and dear to my heart. She e-mailed me out of the blue one day with this nonsensical submission with "Starcraft" in the title that I initially thought had something to do with the game "Starcraft". When I realized the article was a review she had done of some ineptly written UFO conspirancy book I e-mailed her and asked her why the hell she was sending it to me. Apparently this was her cue to contact the author of that book to start bombarding me with requests to publish his fucking article about how the moonlanding was faked. When I realized that he was crazy and English was not his first language I thought I might be able to spin our little exchange into a hilarious e-mail prank for Something Awful.

To quote the Bee-Gees by way of Mike Patton "Oh, but I didn't see, that the joke was on meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeee!" Immediately the author, named "Der Voron", started repeatedly sending me his stupid goddamn moon landing article over and over and over. I was out of town but regardless he kept sending me revisions on the original article to read over. Here's his first e-mail, they were all very similar.

Hi Zack:

I have written an article on the following subject: How to distinguish a real UFO photograph from a fake? This is not a sci-fi matter, but a scientific one connected with real physical phenomena. I am enclosing it with this email (in plain text format). Please let me know if you would like to consider it for publication.

The article itself turned out to be the usual fake moon landing shit about shadows being out of place and the lander not having enough thrust to lift off again. After reading through his article I offered him some helpful criticism about revisions he would have to make before I would publish it. It took me a while to get around to doing this, but Der Voron didn't care, he just kept sending me the article over and over again with requests to read it. At last I sent him my revisions.

Hey,

sorry it's been so long since I replied. I was briefly questioned by theFBI for "trying to reveal the truth" but they couldn't pin anything on me sothey let me go. I really dig your article and think it could blow the lidoff a large number of the mistruths out there about space exploration. Idid have a couple questions about the most recent update you sent me.

First off:

How to take all this with a spacecraft to be able to take off from the Moonafter landing on it? The mid-rank carrier rocket Ariane-5, for example,weighs 750 tons (the rocket itself and the fuel), and the "lite" carrierrocket Dnepr-1 (created basing on the strategic intercontinental ballisticmissile SS-18 Satan) weighs 211 tons. They develop the power of about10-20mn KWt.

I was under the impression that the SS-18 actually produced powerequivalent to roughly 5,000 MegReds or 50-60 Ugkts. I think if you leavethe fact in there like that it will throw a lot of doubt on your argument.

Secondly:

Or maybe NASA astronauts still visited the Moon and videoed/photoed all whatis claimed to be lunar videos and photos, but these got of such a poorquality due to some details of lunar atmosphere and climate that NASAdecided to order new "better looking" videos/photos to Hollywood? Then weunderstand why there are such errors in them.

I think here you should mention the movie "Towering Inferno" and how itrealistically depicted a massive building being caught on fire on aHollywood sound stage and with the help of high-tech "models" and "filmeffects". I think this movie came out around the same time as the moonlanding, so it would demonstrate that Hollywood could believably reconstructa moon landing in a film studio.

Lastly I don't see any mention of the black astronaut who was killed duringthe first moon mission. Was this an intentional ommission to avoiddivergent discussion or were you just anaware of the death of astronaut OJSimpson on the moon?

I look forward to hearing from you!

- Zack

I expected the good Mr. Voron to either agree immediately or realize it was all a ruse and throw in the towel. Der Voron, never one to be predictable, instead thanked me for my suggestions and then attached a "new" version of the article that as far as I could tell was the exact same fucking thing. Maybe he was trying to hoodwink me, either way I began to formulate my next move in our little confusing e-mail chess game. Before I could fire off my next attempt at moon mission checkmate Der Voron e-mailed me again with another "updated article". Thinking I still had time I was caught off guard when, only minutes later, Denise M. Clark e-mailed me again.

In a shocking development I had suddenly found myself caught in a moon-landing e-mail spam time vortex. She was resubmitting her Starcraft review with the same e-mail. Confused, I waited to see what their next move would be. I didn't have long to wait, less than 24 hours later another message from Der Voron awaited me in my inbox.

Hi Zack:

I have written an article on the following subject: How to distinguish a real UFO photograph from a fake? This is not a sci-fi matter, but a scientific one connected with real physical phenomena. I am enclosing it with this email (in plain text format). Please let me know if you would like to consider it for publication.

Touche! We had come full circle and I had surrendered. What their scam was I may never know, but I leave my good friends Denise M. Clark and Der Voron with a nice, hearty, and well deserved, well I had said "FUCK YOU" really big here, but then I got this e-mail from Denise M. Clark. This situation is even more bizarre than I could have imagined.

Zack,

My name is familiar to you, although not for the right reasons. I am an author and book reviewer who had the unfortunate priveledge to read and review Der Voron's book Starcraft. Since then, he's caused one problem after another. He's deaf, his English is bad and he doesn't know what 'Leave me alone' means. I read your message about his emails on your forum board, and cringed. I know what that's like. And so does his previous publisher, who was getting an average phone call a day from the nutcase.

I emailed you a short time ago when I realized that once again, Der Voron has sent people articles or the review for publication pretending to be me. I would like to have the jerk's email address, if you wouldn't mind. Again, I have had absolutely nothing to do with the guy and feel terrible that he's impersonating me. While I can understand your frustration with the guy (believe me, I've been through the wringer with him and his incessant emails) I would appreciate it if you would help clear this up with me and post an update to your site before the hate mails damage my reputation. I am an author and book reviewer, and my site honors veterans of many wars from many eras. I regret ever reviewing the guy's book, and did not know to what level he would stoop to gain a name for himself on the Net. Imagine how helpless I feel to be the brunt of all this anger and frustration and not know what's going on until it's too late.

I would very much like to get my hands on Der Voron, and have taken steps to post warnings and complaints about him and his actions to everywhere I can think of. He drove his first publisher crazy. Then me. I have already warned him once to stop sending reviews and messages in my name, but it seems as if he's up to his old tricks again. And I'm paying for it. Nothing like getting an F--you from someone you don't even know... not to mention the readers from your site are leaving obscene and hateful messages on my site and mailing list... help me put a stop not only to these misplaced messages, but to Der Voron's nonsense.

I look forward to hearing from you as soon as possible. Thank you,

Denise M. Clark

If that was too long for you to read, basically Denise fell victim to the nefarious Der Voron as well, only he stole her identity like some sort of fake moon landing pod person. My apologies to Denise for cluttering up her e-mail with messages from our fans. I would give you Der Voron's e-mail address but at this point he could be some little kid being controlled by a tentacle monster using telepathic waves.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)