Rapture Letters

Rapture Letters, submitted by OoBeY. If you're like me, and by God I hope you're not, the biggest concern on your mind right now is The Rapture. I have been hearing nonstop rumors that Jesus is getting pretty lonely up there in Heaven, and he's seriously considering starting up a swank ol' Rapture and sucking some of us up into that big vortex of Heaven when we least expect it. Well I know I'm going, because I'm a perfect fucking Christian or Catholic or Baptist or whatever stupid religion believes in the Rapture. As for the rest of you jerks, forget it; you ain't getting shit. However, once I'm whisked away to hang out with Jesus, I run the problem of telling the rest of you suckers exactly where I went and why I went there. This is where Rapture Letters comes in. For the low, low price of letting them know you're retarded, they will forward an "Electronic Message" ("e-mail") of your choice to your heathen idiot friends who didn't make the cut into Heaven. What a deal!

After the rapture, there will be a lot of speculation as to why millions of people have just disappeared. Unfortunately, after the rapture, only non believers will be left to come up with answers. You probably have family and friends that you have witnessed to and they just won't listen. After the rapture they probably will, but who will tell them?

We have written a computer program to do just that. It will send an Electronic Message (e-mail) to whomever you want after the rapture has taken place, and you and I have been taken to heaven.

If you wish to do something now that will help your unbelieving friends and family after the rapture, you need to add those persons email address to our database. Their names will be stored indefinitely and a letter will be sent out to each of them on the first Friday after the rapture. Then they will receive another letter every friday after that.

Far out! Here's the letter I submitted to them for all you shitheads to read once I take that phat chariot ride up into the clouds:

Dear jerks,

If you are reading this, then I am in Heaven and you are not. Fuck all y'all.

Sincerely

Rich "Heaven Guy" Kyanka

PS: If, for some reason, I don't end up going to Heaven soon, I want all of you to know that I still hate you.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)