American Bidet (Thanks, Chris!)

Arnold "Mr. Bidet" Cohen leads a fascinating life. He consorts with stars, as one might expect from a businessman based in Hollywood (Florida); famous pals include Dan Marino, Erik Estrada and "Super Lawyer" Roy Black. He works out of -- or at least sporadically visits -- a profoundly depressing factory. He occasionally struggles with spelling the word "healthy." And he sells an amazing device that's both an anal cleanser and a child's water fountain.

Articles cited on Bidet.com's testimonials page reveal Cohen owns a Cadillac with "MR BIDET" plates, and that he greets people with the phrase "Peace and good bidet." He believes in "weening us off the Charmin," explaining that toilet paper is "only a step better in evolutionary improvement than the pages of the mail order catalogue or the barbaric plantain leaf." But for all his entrepreneurial zeal, Cohen has only managed to sell roughly 200,000 douche bowls in the past five decades, and his site suggests his only customers were young girls and now-dead celebrities.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller