Pornfortheblind.org - thanks Ben and Stew!

Porn for the Blind is a not-for-profit organization dedicated to producing audio descriptions of sample movie clips from adult web sites. This service is provided free of charge.

Today's Awful Link of the Day does a really good job of doing what many of us find it hard to do in our daily lives: describe that crazy porno we just saw to our buddies, without coming across like a total sleazy pervert. This website was generously created as a public service to our visually impaired vulgartarians, who aren't fortunate enough to have a seeing eye dog capable of picking up the latest issue of Wet Brazilian Butts in Braille at their local shady liquor store, or Community Pornography Crate. What it actually does, though, is make pornography sound even more boring and uninspired than it actually is. For an example of how dreary erotic entertainment can be, even when it's trying to be zany and offbeat, let's take a listen to bigsausagepizza.mp3. For all of our deaf readers, I've taken the time to dictate what is described in the digital audio file.

(tired, apathetic man begins speaking) The page's main banner displays a large kelbasa, layed over a thin crust of pepperoni pizza. Multiple tag lines read "Where every pizza needs a big sausage.", uh, "Every pizza cums with a big tasty sausage... whether you ordered it or not" and "We Deliver." Scrolling down the page, pictures of various girls reacting to the delivery man, who's sitting on the couch, giving the thumbs up to camera. (pause) There's an open pizza box on his lap, and his penis is protruding from a hole in the center of the box. One woman is touching the penis (narrator sighs in disgust); one is bent over sucking the penis. One is massaging the, uh, penis between her breasts, while simultaneously eating a slice of pizza. Ok, we're starting the clip.(for a brief moment, the narrator sounds enthused, although this is quickly extinguished) A young man knocks on the door, and a blonde woman, a 20-something in a pink blouse and a ripped denim skirt, is tanned, opens the door. Apparently, she doesn't have any money, so although she's really appalled by the delivery man's penis, she has no choice - so she begins performing fellatio and massaging her (narrator sighs) vagina, giving fellatio to the man while he's wearing the pizza box, uh, having sex from behind, missionary, standing, in suspended congress, spooning from the side, COWGIRL, uh reverse cowgirl, more reverse cowgirl, and finally the man comes to fruition, but the camera blurs out, and the familiar Big Sausage Pizza logo covers the woman's face, and it says "Join now, member's see it all."

My challenge to you readers: go ahead and submit to them, in their desired format, narrated descriptions of the most horrible pornography you can find on the internet, as apathetically as you possibly can. With your help, we can help Goatse those who've gone without for so long, and make the world a better place. Oh, and how charming is this disclaimer on their How-To page:

– Caylen "Abraham" Burroughs