The Recent College Graduate: A Life in Letters
I am writing concerning your position of Director of Long-term Financial Planning. As a recent college graduate, I know I have the energy and verve to “get in the game” and “tackle” this position so well that for every twenty cents spent you’ll get a “quarterback”, but now I need to convince you of that. I will do so, in this letter.
Karl Pilkington: A Really Dumb Guy You Should Know About
I'd like to introduce you to someone who will change the way you look at the world forever. Once you've heard what he has to say about, well, anything, you'll want to hear what he has to say about, well, everything.
The Glamorous Life of a Secret Agent
I'm a secret agent. I used to get paid to leap out of burning planes on jet skis while maintaining perfectly styled hair. I used to wear a tuxedo even when I was showering. I loved it. Now my knees can't handle jumping from moving motorcycles, and there isn't much hair left to keep styled. This is my life. This is my story.
A SomethingAwful Guide to Having an Awesome Break-Up
Most people, at some point in their lives, go through a break-up. It’s one of those unavoidable things in life, like death or going through a break-up. We take you through every step of the process, and assume no previous knowledge or experience.
SomethingAwful's Voting Guide: The Republicans
Two weeks ago, I worked off some of my community service hours by making fun of Democrats. Now it's time for me to consider the Republicans. If you want the short version, they're a bunch of unattractive white men who all agree on pretty much every issue, and also Ron Paul's a nutcase.
SomethingAwful's Voting Guide: The Democrats
The Presidential Primaries are rapidly approaching. In response to this fact, we present to you a complete voting guide for anyone clueless on how they want to use their valuable percentage of a percentage in the American decision-making process. This week: the Democrats.
The Bargain Book Bin: Here Are Some Gay Books
Recently, I came across a website that catalogs covers of old gay erotic books, and I spent awhile looking through it. Unfortunately, only the covers were provided, so I just had to guess at what each book was about. WARNING: Due to the nature of the covers, most of these guesses ended up being about gay men.
This Article is Politically Incorrect and Is About the Stuff the "Man" Doesn't Want You To Hear
"The Politically Incorrect Guides". Each guide covers an important world topic, and provides a reasoned, logical opinion on that topic. For instance: global warming (doesn't exist), Islam (it's bad), Darwinism (doesn't exist), and science (it's bad). I went ahead and came up with some of my own concepts for future titles in the series.
Whoops! We're Racist!
Sometimes, without meaning to, an advertisement can appear to have a secret racist message. This seems to be happening a lot recently, and so a special SomethingAwful investigative team takes a look.
An Essay on The Pope Not Being Cool and Some Reasons Why He's Not Cool
Hey guys, I'm Joshua Taylor. I'm a proud home schooled Christian, and I love my mom and also Jesus. The pope said some stuff I didn’t like, and I’m not gonna stand for it! I’m going to write about it on the internet instead. Read what I’ve written if you love Jesus.
Special Advertising Section: AdventureQuest
AdventureQuest is an absolutely free Flash-based RPG that you can play on your lunchbreak, when the big game servers go down, or even for hours and hours every single day! It's fun and simple, but at the same time it has dragons! Adventure always waits around every corner in AdventureQuest. Also quests!
Candy Land: A Violent History
In the beginning, King Kandy created two candy beings: a peppermint stick, and a purple gumdrop. They went their separate ways and somehow had lots of peppermint and gumdrop kids. The gumdrops chose a red square right around the center of Candy Land and built a temple to King Kandy just to show off how cool they were. And that's when it started...
Philosophy Sunday: The Transformers Movie. Cool or not?
Three times before we invited distinguished authors, scientists, and miscellaneous thinkers to discuss important problems of the day. Today's question of import: Is the long anticipated Transformers live action movie, directed by Michael Bay and hitting theaters on June 13 (mark your calendars!), going to be a super or sub-par?
ABC's Lost and the Worst Villain Reveals Ever
Lost had a major reveal this week: The mysterious villain Jacob. The scene was...disappointing. In this spirit, I will be considering some other disappointing villain reveals throughout history. Warning: If you are one of the few who still care about Lost and haven’t seen last episode, there are a few spoilers. Read 'em anyway, you pussy.
A Guide to Gracefully Losing an Internet Argument
Losing an internet argument with grace can put you so far ahead on the secret internet score sheet that not even a direct order from Bill Gates himself could keep you off the internet high score board. How do you go about doing this? I am so glad you asked.
This Article Isn't About Gay Devil-Worshipping Bikers
Hi there! I’m a 13 year old home-schooled Christian, and I’m real proud of it! You might remember me from the time I took drugs with gay devil-worshipping bikers. My youth minister says that Jesus frowned when he saw that article. So to make things up to Jesus, I’m going to be answering questions from you readers. Let’s get started!
Annual Festival Safety Report (Pakistan is Just the Dumbest Country)
There is no way to say this that could make it any more bizarre than it already is: A recent kite festival in Pakistan resulted in 11 deaths and over 100 injuries. But festivals are often deadly. Which is why, every year, crack researchers at SomethingAwful Inc. organize an exhaustive list of festivals, fairs and other events...gone wrong.
Crazy Old Men and You
Jews and Koreans never drop out of high school, while 90% of black and Hispanics, upon hearing the word “high school”, will shoot you and take all of your money while screeching gibberish.
The Time I Took Drugs With Gay Devil-Worshipping Bikers
Hi, I'm Joshua. Usually I'm a pretty good kid but, like many Christian home schooled kids, I sometimes feel the need to rebel. Which is why one time I took drugs with a bunch of devil worshipping gay bikers. Most of you probably don't understand the world as much as I do, so I thought I'd tell you a little about what it's really like to take drugs.
The Google Diaries
Search results can tell a story. Sometimes, search results can tell stories we would never otherwise hear about. This is one such story. It is a tale of love, passion, murder, and fat people. It is...The Google Diaries.
My Adventure in the City Library, Guest Starring: A Cardboard Box
A shoebox, a man, destiny....
The Bargain Book Bin: A Dictionary of Common Sci-Fi Metaphors
What does it mean when a race of robots created by man have feelings and problems similar to that of humanity? Which biblical character is your favorite science fiction author comparing his main character to this time? Now, for the first time, an easy answer to all these questions.
There Are Pictures of Naked Ladies in Here
Pictures of Cambodia from a guy who has been there...and taken pictures.
I Went to Cambodia and Took Some More Pictures
About a month ago I returned from a trip to Cambodia. Here are some Helpful Quick-Facts about Cambodia: 1. More landmines per square mile than any other country. 2. More amputees per capita than any other country. 3. I went there.
I Went to Cambodia and Took Some Pictures
Cambodia is hot, tropical, and there are enough landmines to kill a couple major US cities while still having a few left over to mutilate three or four villages worth of peasants. I went there and took some pictures.
SlimeMaster42's Amazon.com Profile
Slimeboys was basically the best show with a cast of lepers and a filming location in the back of a pizza place. SlimeMaster42 is basically the expert on Slimeboys and all Slimeboys related trivia (except The New Slimeboys, that show is totally gay). Read about how his interest led to a prison in Romania and stuff.
