An Internet Comedy Writer Says Goodbye
Hi there, it's me. Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink here. So after a little over three years writing for this site I've decided to quit for a variety of reasons. For one thing, I've been spending most of my time tending to my muscled body and my perfectly tousled hair. Actually that's the only reason. My teeth are like a military cemetery.
The Adventures of a Retired Secret Agent: A Murder Mystery: Part 2
Mr. Leopard called anywhere he lived his lair, because the alliterative power of the name tended to intimidate his enemies before they even had a chance to see his muscles or his leopard print ExoBikini with its deadly KittyKlaw rockets.
The Old Guy Who Used to Be a Secret Agent and Now Isn't: A Murder Mysery
Once upon a time I was a secret agent. You know the type. My cars had more skills than you do. My hair was nearly bulletproof. Now I'm an old man with more back problems than karate techniques. I don't know if you've ever seen a tall man wearing only feline make-up and leopard underpants vivisected on a public bathroom floor, but I have.
Great job, Mr. President! America is proud of you!
Mr. Bush, Our President, must (by Law) now step down from the post he has bravely held since 2002. Mr. President, I speak for all Americans when I say "Damn fine job, Sir."
The Bargain Book Bin: An Open Letter to Twilight's Stephanie Meyer
You chose to tackle an idealized version of vampire love, a subject which can only strike me as threatening when you yourself are married to a vampire. How am I, a father of two and a civil servant of the night, to compete with some story book fantasy of what vampire love should be?
Definitive Proof That Coldplay Stole "Viva la Vida"
Yes, it was stolen. I have discovered the true source of Coldplay's "inspiration". And I have the proof
A Thoroughly Incomplete List of Firsts
The first first was, of course, the Big Bang. Before the Big Bang created time, the universe, such as it wasn't, was pre-consecutive. Eventually the universe will come to an end, along with time, and it will be post-consecutive. For now, time exists. More or less.
Womyn are Mysterious Creatures of Awesome Bearing
Womyn are not myth. Womyn are real. In the grocery store, in the post office, in your parent's house sitting next to your dad, womyn are everywhere. There are those experts who estimate that over half the population of our small blue Earth is now womyn. But the outlook is not entirely dire! Here is a brief guide on living in a post-womyn world.
An Unofficial Victory Video: "Barack Obama: The Triumph of the Hope"
Some of you might remember our unofficial campaign video, "Barack Obama: A Tribute to Hope". Now, eight months later, all of our dreams have come to fruition. Indeed, our dreams have born fruit. We are holding dream fruit, and that dream fruit is Barack Obama's impending presidency. The triumph of the hope, a new video.
The True Story Revealed: Ashley Todd
Most of you have probably heard of the case of Ashley Todd, who shocked the dumb portion of the world with her story of a black man carving the letter B in her cheek. But what really happened that night? How did she end up with the letter very very lightly scratched on her face? Answers within…
How to Improve Your Worldwide Conspiracy: Chapter 2
Somewhere across the country, a junior agent was being thrown into a whirlwind adventure of epic proportions that was just getting started and promised many exciting future installments. Here, much to his surprise, the Acting Manager of Thought Acquisition for Worldwide Conspiracy Inc. acquired a thought.
Hey look. It's Dragon Mountain. Let's climb it.
Hey look, it's Dragon Mountain. Dragon Mountain is a center for all mystical energy in this entire region. All of the life force as far as the eye can see emanates from that mountain. Let's climb it.
How to Improve Your Worldwide Conspiracy: Chapter 1
He had been a lifelong conspiracy man. He had kept his nose down, assassinated world leaders and innocent civilians alike when ordered to, manipulated at least one US President into office, and now found himself stuck in a dead-end middle management job in an aging conspiracy that was rapidly losing ground to newer conspiratorial competitors.
The Large Hadron Collider and You!
The consensus in the scientific community is that these collisions will shed new light as to how awesome explosions can be even when they are really small. Another good reason scientists give for colliding protons is that it will help us develop our understanding of what happens in nature when a giant machine smashes two protons together.
The Bargain Book Bin: A Random Chapter from a Book You Haven't Read
At that moment, they were in the Mountains of the Six Gods, a popular spot for hikers, skiers, and evil lords seeking remote strongholds. Past the mountains were the Foothills of the Six Gods, which were less impressive, but good for picnics, mountain biking, and less-evil lords wanting a stronghold at a convenient commuting distance from home.
Notes From A ZOG Youth Rally
We were being taken to something called a Mega Event, which would be a huge Zionist rally on an IDF base near Tel Aviv, attended by the Prime Minister of Israel and thousands of young American Jews. It promised to be the most entertaining and flashy propaganda I had ever been forced to watch.
How Hillary Will Win the Nomination
We've noticed lately that a lot of people are discounting the possibility of Hillary winning the Democratic nomination. This kind of attitude is un-American. It's just wrong to act like someone has been elected months before the party big-wigs have had their say in secret meetings involving the exchange of personal favors.
I Have the Skills and Experience Necessary to Be a Heavy Metal God
I am writing in regards to the advertised position in your black metal band. I would very much like a chance to be part of this venture, and I feel that I have the rock god skills necessary to efficiently build and maintain a high profile Satan-worshipping black metal band.
A Special Two-Part Event: "The Secret Agent Who Is Old and Does Stuff" Part 2
The action-packed conclusion to this classic spy thriller in which an old guy chases a giant flying robotic boot on the White House lawn, and another old guy gets yelled at by a Russian midget. Don’t miss it!
A Special Two-Part Event: "The Secret Agent Who Is Past His Prime" Part 1
An ex-secret agent and an ex-mad genius, desperate for the return of their glory years, team up for one really badly thought out plan. It does not go well.
Three States that Just Shouldn't Be Allowed to Vote
The fracas over states being left out of the Democratic primary has highlighted the absurd assumption that allowing every state to have their say in national politics is a good thing. The truth is that not every state should be allowed to vote. Some are too dumb to vote. Some are too evil to vote. Some are Florida.
Misha: A Memoir about Hanging Out with Wolves During the Holocaust
The Wolf Queen spoke first: "Young Misha, you were found in a time of need. Our oracle said to send a pack of wolves to the Warsaw ghetto, and there we rescued you. You have lived with us and learned. But the oracle has again spoken, and it seems that you are to play a much larger role in our world than any of us could have anticipated."
An Unofficial Campaign Video: "Barack Obama: A Tribute to Hope"
The Yes We Can video made me realize that anyone, even me, could make my own tribute to Obama, and hopefully have an effect on the election. I got my friends together and created a concept that gave his message in an accessible way. We spent a few days scripting, filming, and editing, and created “Barack Obama: A Tribute to Hope”
Some Basic Facts About My Cool New Asian Friend
Hey there guys. Basically I'm just a normal home-schooled Christian kid and every once in awhile they let me write a little about my life and what I think about things. Also I will be making some jokes because this is a funny site for jokes. Today I want to talk about my cool new Asian friend. I met him at the mall and he owns a Playstation 2.
America in Crisis: The Writers Strike Continues
America is a wasteland as Fat Cat Hollywood writers refuse to write for the eleventh consecutive week. The population grew desperate and then violent. A tumbleweed blew across the street. An old man rode by in an engineless Toyota Corolla pulled by a mule. "These are bad times," he said.
Election Thoughts Valu-Pack
The primaries are about to kick off, and things are already getting entertaining on the political front. Instead of sticking to one topic today, I will go off about a lot of different stuff that’s happened lately. I’ve written a whole lot of words about the elections, and I’m passing the savings on to you.
The Recent College Graduate: A Life in Letters
I am writing concerning your position of Director of Long-term Financial Planning. As a recent college graduate, I know I have the energy and verve to “get in the game” and “tackle” this position so well that for every twenty cents spent you’ll get a “quarterback”, but now I need to convince you of that. I will do so, in this letter.
Karl Pilkington: A Really Dumb Guy You Should Know About
I'd like to introduce you to someone who will change the way you look at the world forever. Once you've heard what he has to say about, well, anything, you'll want to hear what he has to say about, well, everything.
The Glamorous Life of a Secret Agent
I'm a secret agent. I used to get paid to leap out of burning planes on jet skis while maintaining perfectly styled hair. I used to wear a tuxedo even when I was showering. I loved it. Now my knees can't handle jumping from moving motorcycles, and there isn't much hair left to keep styled. This is my life. This is my story.
A SomethingAwful Guide to Having an Awesome Break-Up
Most people, at some point in their lives, go through a break-up. It’s one of those unavoidable things in life, like death or going through a break-up. We take you through every step of the process, and assume no previous knowledge or experience.
SomethingAwful's Voting Guide: The Republicans
Two weeks ago, I worked off some of my community service hours by making fun of Democrats. Now it's time for me to consider the Republicans. If you want the short version, they're a bunch of unattractive white men who all agree on pretty much every issue, and also Ron Paul's a nutcase.
SomethingAwful's Voting Guide: The Democrats
The Presidential Primaries are rapidly approaching. In response to this fact, we present to you a complete voting guide for anyone clueless on how they want to use their valuable percentage of a percentage in the American decision-making process. This week: the Democrats.
The Bargain Book Bin: Here Are Some Gay Books
Recently, I came across a website that catalogs covers of old gay erotic books, and I spent awhile looking through it. Unfortunately, only the covers were provided, so I just had to guess at what each book was about. WARNING: Due to the nature of the covers, most of these guesses ended up being about gay men.
This Article is Politically Incorrect and Is About the Stuff the "Man" Doesn't Want You To Hear
"The Politically Incorrect Guides". Each guide covers an important world topic, and provides a reasoned, logical opinion on that topic. For instance: global warming (doesn't exist), Islam (it's bad), Darwinism (doesn't exist), and science (it's bad). I went ahead and came up with some of my own concepts for future titles in the series.
Whoops! We're Racist!
Sometimes, without meaning to, an advertisement can appear to have a secret racist message. This seems to be happening a lot recently, and so a special SomethingAwful investigative team takes a look.
An Essay on The Pope Not Being Cool and Some Reasons Why He's Not Cool
Hey guys, I'm Joshua Taylor. I'm a proud home schooled Christian, and I love my mom and also Jesus. The pope said some stuff I didn’t like, and I’m not gonna stand for it! I’m going to write about it on the internet instead. Read what I’ve written if you love Jesus.
Special Advertising Section: AdventureQuest
AdventureQuest is an absolutely free Flash-based RPG that you can play on your lunchbreak, when the big game servers go down, or even for hours and hours every single day! It's fun and simple, but at the same time it has dragons! Adventure always waits around every corner in AdventureQuest. Also quests!
Candy Land: A Violent History
In the beginning, King Kandy created two candy beings: a peppermint stick, and a purple gumdrop. They went their separate ways and somehow had lots of peppermint and gumdrop kids. The gumdrops chose a red square right around the center of Candy Land and built a temple to King Kandy just to show off how cool they were. And that's when it started...
